Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Take time to think through your apology
Mina got up late that morning. When she realized it, she flew into a flurry: getting everyone up, fed, ready, and off to their places of study. This morning rush threw her off balance. In this state, she approached David, her husband:
– Can’t you see what’s going on here? Is this just my home, and are these just my children—not yours? Apparently you don’t care!
There was hurt in David’s voice as he answered:
– Do you really think so? Even these past few days, when you’ve been getting up later?
And he left the house. When all the children had gone and Mina was alone, she began to think. “But he’s right! He helps all the time, especially these past couple of days, when I haven’t been getting enough sleep!” She decided that when he returned, she would try to make amends for the hurt she had caused. David returned in the evening, and it was clear that he still remembered their conversation that morning. Mina murmured, “I apologize for what I said this morning. You can wash your hands for dinner.” She could not understand why David still looked hurt!
Of course, asking for forgiveness is uncomfortable.
We try to do it as quickly as possible so that we can “check it off” and move on to other things. But if the hurt was deep, such an apology is simply a mockery. Mina should have thought about the ways her husband had actually helped her: going to the store if something was missing in the morning, trying to help prepare breakfast… She should have appreciated his efforts and acknowledged them. And realized how much more hurtful it was to be accused so unfairly. She could have added, “You’re right. I didn’t notice how you were helping me. I spoke without thinking; I was wrong.” More could be added along those lines. But if you mumble an apology or make it a minor aside before inviting him to dinner, it is no wonder your husband does not see it as a desire to make peace.
Making peace with a child
Rabbi Shalom Schwadron gave lessons in a synagogue. One boy there behaved badly, and one day he became so unruly that Rabbi Schwadron himself caught him and punished him. But afterward, the rabbi went back to the boy and spent several minutes comforting him and stroking his head until the boy had made peace with him. Later, the boy said that he would have been willing to endure another punishment to receive such comfort from the rabbi!
Let us add, parenthetically, that we should not apologize to a child for a fair punishment—only if we punished the child by mistake or if the punishment exceeded what the offense warranted. Then we should apologize.
Do not repeat hurtful behavior
If we keep alternating between causing hurt and apologizing, at some point our apologies will no longer be accepted! The other person will think we are playing a game with them: hit them, then give them a pat. This is the wrong path. We need to work on ourselves so that we stop causing hurt altogether.
We need to pay particular attention to stressful times: getting everyone ready in the morning and preparing for Shabbat and the holidays. This is when the main work on ourselves takes place! Practice restraint! Hold on with all your strength.
It is impossible to spend your whole life quarreling. There are families in which husband and wife quarrel constantly, but this cannot be called building a Jewish home. On an actual construction site, there must be a peaceful working atmosphere; otherwise, it is simply dangerous.
Apologizing is not making excuses
Often, our apology gradually turns into a justification of our actions. “Yes, I was wrong to say that to you in such a hurtful way. But you know how tired I was, and the child really upset me, and I had to do homework with him, and the baby was crying, and there are problems at work…” All of that is true—but it is not what your husband wants to hear. Right now, it is not important. First, you need to make peace. Make sure your husband has forgiven the hurtful words, and then, when he feels warmly toward you and peace has been restored at home, explain what happened today. He will be able to put two and two together himself and sympathize.
Excuses look like attempts to defend our actions, which makes the apology seem insincere. Later, on her own, the wife can acknowledge that she was tired and in a bad mood, which is why she failed to restrain herself—and that in the future she needs to control herself better. But she should not include all these arguments in the apology.
Any critical remark needs to be thought through: how to phrase it, when to say it, and when it will be best received—perhaps not immediately after the action. [Editors’ note. How important it is to learn not to make critical remarks!]
Once, my married daughter and I went to Safed for a few days of rest. I knew there was only one direct bus in the morning and a second in the evening, and I asked my daughter not to be late and to get ready in advance. She arrived late, when the bus was just about to leave, and we were very anxious. I spoke to her in an irritated tone: “Everything was already ready, and you left with us—where did you get so held up?!” I immediately realized that I had spoken too sharply and hurt her. Perhaps she was not at fault; perhaps her husband had delayed her. She said nothing, but I could see in her eyes that I had hurt her. She was already an adult, a married woman; I had no right to express my indignation to her in that way—any number of things could have delayed her! Of course, I apologized.
to be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya