Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Minefields
Unfortunately, we often do not have a chance to stop and think through our words. Our lives are a constant rush, and we need to get everything done. We have so many things to attend to: work, children, cooking, housework, various courses, meetings. There is no time to sit down and think, for example, about what “sore spots” my husband has and how to avoid them. Of course, there are women (called klaftes in Yiddish) who, once they discover how to hurt their husband most, will keep digging at precisely that spot. Still, most women are not among them.
Of course, our husband is no angel; he makes mistakes. We tend to excuse ourselves and can find a thousand reasons: tiredness, stress, a cold, a headache—being in a bad mood, we snapped and were rude. We need to do the same for our husband: find an explanation that excuses him when he does not behave as we expect. Besides, if we emphasize a person’s good qualities, he will develop the desire to improve his bad qualities too. But if we constantly focus only on the bad, he is unlikely to have the strength to change anything.
And in Writing
If you cannot express what is in your heart aloud, you can write a note or an entire letter. You can compose a letter of apology and think about how best to put your apology into words—as a rule, it comes out better and more convincing in writing. Sometimes both a letter and a spoken apology will be needed. Our sages say that sharing a meal brings hearts closer. A small gift may also be appropriate. You can prepare an especially delicious dinner for your husband’s arrival and say something like: “I made this dinner especially because I want to ask your forgiveness for the hurt I caused.”
And, of course, when we begin making peace, we must not bring up past arguments, or it will never end. One argument at a time. We argued—we made peace—we forgot about it. And even if we have not yet fully reconciled, there is no need to sulk. We carry on with our normal lives. We talk; we do not give each other the silent treatment. And we try to apologize, clarify our mistakes, and make peace as soon as possible.
Our sages say: “Do not try to appease a person while he is angry”—in other words, the moment when the hurt has just been inflicted is not the time to apologize.
A fresh wound needs time to close; otherwise, any touch will make it bleed again. Our apology simply will not be accepted. We need to wait a little for the anger to subside, and meanwhile think about the most appropriate way to offer our apology.
We came down into this world to work on our character traits. At first, making peace will be difficult, but each time it will become easier and more natural. What matters most is that we value our home and are willing to invest in a peaceful home and a happy family.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya