Rabbi Simcha Cohen
Another conflict between men's and women's needs becomes apparent when a woman turns to her husband for help.
When a man politely asks his wife for something, he begins by saying: “I will be very grateful to you if…” But when a wife wants to ask her husband for something, she often begins by describing her personal problem: how tired she is, how difficult a particular task is for her, and so on, and only then states her request.
This approach is an attempt to address him tactfully, almost as though apologizing for putting him to trouble, which she would not do if it were not for the problem and difficulty she is describing.
Yet it is precisely this way of asking that makes it harder for her husband to fulfill her request.
As we mentioned above, his wife's difficulties and problems awaken in a husband his innate need to make sure she feels good. But when she prefaces her request with a description of her difficulties, he helps her not out of noble motives, but to relieve his own worry and tension. Thus, by describing her troubles, she makes him feel as though she has forced him to fulfill her request. And this is precisely what a man hates, because he does not want to be “obligated”—he wants to be a “volunteer.”
Interestingly, while a husband finds it hard to begin helping his wife after hearing her complaints, women report that their desire to fulfill their husband's request only grows stronger if he describes his problem.
A husband and wife who want to act appropriately, in keeping with spouses' differing qualities and opposing needs, should proceed as follows:
When asking for help, a husband should tell his wife about the difficulties he is facing and, of course, thank her after receiving help. A wife should not preface her request with an account of her problems, but should ask politely.
Furthermore, to make it easier for him to fulfill her request, she should make her main effort after her husband has done what she asked him to do. She should thank him wholeheartedly and tell him what a serious problem he has relieved her of.
The more often this pattern is repeated, the more deeply the fact that helping his wife is enjoyable will become imprinted on her husband's subconscious! It is worth it, because she knows how to appreciate what is done for her!