Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
For respect to be genuine, we must respect what is actually there in a person—get to know them, take an interest, understand.
Questions immediately arise: can and should we respect someone for just anything?
Why should I respect him if I'm better than he is. Perhaps I'm the one who deserves respect, while he should just be tolerated— and even that isn't easy!!!
Pele Yoetz quotes a sage's saying: every person deserves respect in two situations.
- If he is wiser than I am, respect him for his wisdom; and if I am wiser, that means he is more righteous. After all, I sin knowingly, while he does so by mistake.
- If he is rich, respect him for his wealth, since even the greatest sages— Rabbi and Rabbi Akiva—respected the wealthy, because “The King desires their greatness.” AND IF I AM RICH AND HE IS POOR, IT TURNS OUT THAT I AM A SINNER, since I do not give enough tzedakah in proportion to my means. In this respect, he is more righteous than I am. And the Talmud, Pesachim, says that if someone is better than you in even one respect, you must show him respect.
Pirkei Avot explains that respecting other people is the only way to receive their respect in return. As it says (chapter 4, mishnah 1): “Who is honored? One who honors others.”
In his book, Rabbi Shalom Schwadron recounts many stories about how carefully our sages sought to avoid hurting another person. He constantly quotes the sages' saying: “It is easier (better) for a person to throw himself into a burning furnace than to make another person turn pale in public.”
It is vital for a husband to feel that his wife respects him, admires him, and appreciates even the small things he does.
On the one hand, a wife's respect for her husband creates the necessary foundation for beginning to build a life together. As we have already said, this requires getting to know the husband's actual qualities and abilities, following the principle: “If he is wiser than I am, respect him for his wisdom; if I am wiser, that means he is more righteous.”
This isn't easy, because every family has an element of competition, and somewhere inside, a little voice says: acknowledging something good in someone else is like admitting that something is wrong with me. If he is better than I am, does that mean I'm bad? In fact, the ability to see goodness in others and admire it is an expression of wisdom, sensitivity, kindness, and self-respect, because “Who is honored? One who honors others.”
On the other hand, the Maharal reveals a secret that shows what extraordinary powers the Almighty has given a wife to help her husband. The Maharal writes that, although in principle we can respect someone only for what is actually there, the sole exception is a wife, who can respect her husband for what she senses in him. Not only will this not be a sham or offend him, it will give him joy and strength.
Moreover, just as seeds sprout under a warm rain, a wife's respect and support allow qualities and abilities to emerge in a man that no one else could see or sense in him.
The Rambam says that a wife should respect her husband more than he deserves.
How can we show respect?
- "Give him space"—allow him personal space, time to himself, and so on.
- Allow him to express his tastes and opinions.
- Our outward manner of relating to one another. For example, halacha says that if we are obligated to respect a sage, we are forbidden not only to speak badly of him, but even to speak loudly in his presence using inappropriate language.
Think about what manner of speaking, gestures, and facial expressions will help our loved ones feel how important they are to us, rather than the opposite.
- The sages say: "A person's wishes are his honor".
We can truly show respect for a person only by understanding their expectations. One person may see the same actions as an expression of admiration, while another sees them as mockery. In other words, our task is to understand our own partner, rather than learn how to do this "in general." The Rambam says, "Do what he loves; keep away from what he hates".
Once, Rabbi Baruch Ber visited a student at home. When this avreich saw the rabbi, he rushed over and turned off the phonograph his wife was listening to. The rabbi took the young man aside and asked: Why did you do that? - Out of respect for you! - Without asking your wife's permission?! Is that how you respect your wife? That's cruel! Please go and ask her forgiveness right away! (According to Rabbi Schwadron).
to be continued