Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
But perhaps these are all trivial things: wigs, suits, cosmetics. Simple feminine tricks?
King Solomon begins the Book of Ecclesiastes with words that, in poetic Russian translation, usually read “vanity of vanities.” In fact, the Hebrew word “hevel” means something like vapor. For example, the morning mist over the grass, or the condensation that appears on a pot lid when water boils. In this famous phrase, the word “hevel” occurs seven times. In other words, if you put a pot over a flame, a second pot on top of it, heated by the steam rather than the flame, then another on top of that, and continue this way seven times, the steam rising from the seventh pot is our world, with all its pleasures and anxieties.
I look around and cannot understand King Solomon. The world I see – is complex, beautiful, astonishing!
The sky, the sea, mountains, deserts... I walk through Jerusalem. Even now, without the Temple, it is so beautiful! Our Sages say: “Ten channels of beauty descended into the world. Jerusalem took nine.” What, then, did King Solomon see? The Almighty created such a wonderful world for us—how can it be called “vapor from vapor”?!
King Solomon says:
– If you look at the world, at your life, and consider material things most important, then you are making use of nothing but vapor from vapor. Your whole life will be confusion, nonsense, dissatisfaction. After all, someone who has 100 wants 200! But if you see the essence of things, you can appreciate the taste, color, and importance of each one.
This means that we can understand why the Almighty gave women beauty, flirtatiousness, and the ability and desire to be attractive.
And if a woman has the right values, if her relationship with her husband matters more to her than the impression she makes on other people, she will know how and when to use her “feminine power.”
Sometimes a woman is so busy with work, children, and community responsibilities that she has no time left to connect with her husband. Gradually, a small barrier grows between them, later turning into a wall. Then the children grow up and leave home, building their own lives and families; retirement comes, and two people living side by side are left alone together... They may turn out to be strangers to one another.
Rebbetzin Schwadron used to say that when she was young, she and her friends, spending all day doing housework and caring for small children, could hardly wait for their husbands to come home.
And as soon as the husband walked through the door— the wife disappeared. The husband ate dinner while his wife hurried off to the “women’s club” to sit quietly with her friends, share their children’s jokes, recipes, and ideas for running a household. Those were such pleasant moments!
But one day Rebbetzin Schwadron wondered when she had last spent time with her husband, and could not remember... So that evening she stayed home.
When Rabbi Schwadron came home, he sat down to dinner. As usual, he surrounded himself with books. The rebbetzin sat opposite him and watched him eat. After a while, she asked:
- Does it taste good?
- Yes, yes, thank you!
- And what did you eat?
Her poor husband hurriedly tried to see what he had eaten by looking at his plate so he could answer—but there was nothing left on it...
- Thank you very much for dinner. But tell me, what happened? Did you have a falling-out with someone? Why didn’t you go to your friends?
- I haven’t had a falling-out with anyone. I just want to spend time with you.
- Over dinner? What would we do?
- Talk...
- Of course. But first take a sheet of paper and write a notice: “Rabbi Schwadron’s Tuesday evening class is canceled.” After all, I prepare that class over dinner.
– There’s no need to cancel the class! Could we study together? Perhaps I could write something down for you?.. But we have to spend time together!
“I,” the rebbetzin would say as she concluded this instructive story, “managed to jump into the last car, but many of my friends missed the train...”
It is very helpful to ask yourself from time to time:
- Am I living in accordance with what I consider important?
- How much time each day, week, and month do I devote to my husband, and how much to my children?
- Do I remember to go for walks with my husband, and do I keep in mind that this can be more important than taking the children to the playground?
- Do I make sure that work does not consume my whole being and leaves room for my family?
Everyone can add to this list, making it a useful tool for working on ourselves, and then, with G-d’s help, we will not miss the most important train of our lives.
To be continued