Rebbetzin Leah Gans
The Hebrew word for “upbringing,” chinuch, also has another meaning: a beginning. A housewarming or the opening ceremony of an institution is called chanukat habayit—the beginning of the use of this building. What does a beginning mean in parenting? It means setting the tone, getting off “on the right foot.”
In the Jewish world, a beginning should be joyful
During the first year after the wedding, a husband must bring joy to his wife. [A husband should always do this, but during the first year there is a special Torah commandment.—Ed.] A little child’s first introduction to letters in cheder is a festive gathering with sweets. A child understands everything through his own experience. And he gains that experience through his senses. After all, we cannot say that a three-year-old takes in information after lengthy reflection. On the contrary, it is precisely through his senses that he will absorb what you want to convey to him.
Jewish education places great emphasis on sensory perception. Rosh Hashanah, for example, means the sound of the shofar, sweets, and the holiday’s edible “symbols” on the table. Sukkot means the sukkah itself, its decorations, and the joyful musical celebrations of “simchat beit hashoevah.” Almost every holiday is associated with particular foods.
A shout may work on a child on a single occasion: “Don’t touch, it’s muktzeh right now!” But to explain the meaning of a prohibition and give a child an understanding of the commandments, learning must take a pleasant and enjoyable form. Do not make it burdensome, frightening, or dreary. Anything we perceive as a yoke is difficult to bear. But by introducing joy from the outset, we can look at those same things differently, and this will help the child behave accordingly.
Parenting Is Like Sowing Seeds
We plant the seeds of a child’s future behavior. We can sow them, but he will have to nurture them himself. When is the right time to sow? When can we begin educating a child? First, we need to see that the child has matured enough for the educational process, for the particular thing we want to introduce him to. And if we see that the child is not yet ready, we should not pressure him. Otherwise, we risk turning him against it for life.
Consider this example. A seven-year-old boy refuses to go to synagogue with his father. Flatly. Under no circumstances. He is willing to play with friends outside the building, but he will not go inside. A year passes in unsuccessful attempts to persuade this now older boy to enter the synagogue and pray. Various options are offered: praying just a short passage, receiving sweets afterward—the answer is “no.” Then suddenly, at the beginning of the following year, around the autumn holidays, the boy seems like a different child. He gets up with his father, sometimes even before him, and goes to pray. Moreover, he will not go to bed until his parents promise that they will be sure to wake him so he can go to synagogue with his father. It is not entirely clear what prompted such a sudden change of heart: a new rebbe in cheder, growing older, or perhaps his parents’ arguments after all. But one thing is clear. The child had matured enough for a new stage—now he goes to synagogue. And what would have happened if his parents had insisted, shouted, and threatened?
King Solomon writes in Proverbs (22:6): “Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not depart from it.”
There are things our Sages have prescribed for us. Yet throughout the process of raising a child, we need to be very attentive, following the child’s stages of readiness.
The Torah says (Genesis, 18:19): “And Abraham shall become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed through him. For I know him, because he will command his sons and his household after him to keep the way of the L-rd, doing kindness and justice, so that the L-rd may fulfill for Abraham what He has spoken concerning him.” Rashi explains that when the Almighty says “know,” He means “love”: when one loves someone, one draws that person close and knows him. And why? Because Abraham will pass on to his children the path he himself follows, which the L-rd showed him. And this is our task as well.
Home Should Be a Place Where a Child Feels Good
In our times, the home is a fortress. A child should feel secure. Therefore, when we need to stand our ground, “calm persistence” is the more suitable approach. If necessary, we repeat our instruction to the child. If he does not respond, we take him by the hand and lead him to where he needs to be. But we should use the strength of our parental authority, rather than the strength of our hands. Sometimes we simply need to understand why the child is not doing what we have told him.
Here is a very familiar example: a child is already in bed but simply cannot fall asleep. First he wants a drink, then he jumps up to go to the bathroom, then he is hungry… In fact, it often helps simply to sit with the child on his bed and talk—or, more precisely, listen to him. And then he no longer wants food or drink, but falls asleep peacefully. We need to maintain a certain level of warmth in the home.
Stressful Situations
Rushing often leads to mistakes. In a rush, a mother may forget to say Grace After Meals, and her child will notice and take it in. In a stressful situation, we may react inappropriately to a child’s behavior and punish him without first understanding what happened.
Furthermore, a mother should not punish a child simply because she is in a bad mood that day. Ordinarily, spilled juice would not make her angry, only mildly annoyed. But now, when she has come home from work and shopping with just one wish—to collapse into an armchair for at least a quarter of an hour—the spilled juice, the untidy living room, and the scattered toys irritate her far more. In such a situation, it is best to tell the children right away that their mother has had a difficult day and asks them to tidy up and go to bed without unnecessary complications.
Sometimes a child sees other people’s possessions or behavior that are not welcome in our home. This does not concern the commandments; our household simply follows a different approach. We calmly explain to the child that in our home we do not speak or act that way. True, that family does things differently, but you are our child, and that is not how we behave in our home.
Sometimes it is hard to find the strength to stay in “parent” mode. We need to remember that this child did not end up in our home for no reason; it is neither a mistake nor a coincidence. If the Almighty gave us this child, with this particular temperament, difficulties, and abilities, He will give us the strength to raise him and the understanding of how to do so (which is also something we should pray for).
Prepared by Zissi Skarzhinskaya