Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Parenting Means Setting Boundaries
A child needs boundaries. Rabbi Wolbe said that “neglected” children whom no one looks after are very similar to spoiled children who receive excessive attention. The result is the same: deterioration. The problem is the absence of boundaries. No one sets boundaries for a child no one cares about. Nor for a child whom no one ever contradicts for fear of upsetting them. In both cases, the child suffers and does not feel secure. Like someone unfamiliar with the road in an area where a step to the right or left means danger, with no one to show them the right way or warn them against mistakes.
Boundaries within a family may be specific to that family. Boundaries include brushing teeth, tidying up, a daily routine, and, of course, Torah and mitzvot.
Teaching a Child to Delay Gratification
The well-known Stanford marshmallow experiment, led by psychologist Walter Mischel, showed how important it is for a child to be able to delay gratification. The test involved offering a child a choice: one marshmallow now, or two after a wait of about 15 minutes, during which the experimenter left the room, leaving the child alone with the marshmallow. By continuing to follow the children in both groups, the researchers found that the lives of children who could wait for the larger reward turned out better than those of the impatient children.
It is important for a child to learn to rein in their desires. Children in a family that observes Jewish law know that not everything may be eaten—only food bearing a kosher certification of a kind accepted in their home. Before eating a candy, a child runs up to their mother to ask: “Mom, do we eat food with this hechsher?” Children know that they cannot always turn on the light (Shabbat), eat (a fast), or listen to music. That we do not wear every kind of clothing. We do not read every book, and so on.
Mishlei says (25:28): “Like a city broken down and without a wall is a person who cannot control his spirit.” A person who does not control their spirit—that is, whose desires are unrestrained—is in ruins.
Parents Must Be of One Mind
The Torah says in the portion Ki Tetze (Devarim, 21:18): “If a man has a wayward and rebellious son who does not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and they have admonished him, but he does not listen to them.” It says “the voice of his father” and, separately, “the voice of his mother”? If parents have “different voices” and no shared view on how to raise their child, the child does not listen to anyone.
In such families, children understand very well how to act. If Dad will not allow it, we go to Mom. If Mom will not give it to us, we go to Dad. Often, the parents end up arguing because they have not yet found common ground on the issue. Children are perceptive psychologists. They see perfectly well where they can slip “through the cracks” and get what they want from the other parent.
If there is not yet a shared view on raising the children, it needs to be developed as soon as possible—for the children's sake. If the parents cannot reach an agreement, they can always consult a rabbi.
There Should Not Be Too Many Demands
When setting expectations, keep in mind that you will have to make sure they are met. You must also be consistent and not overlook violations of the rules if they are strict rules.
Overall, there should not be many strict rules, both to avoid making children's lives harder and to avoid inconsistency in monitoring violations.
There can be moderately strict rules that are sometimes broken. For example, a family has a rule that all the children go to bed by seven o'clock. But sometimes the whole family is invited to a wedding that ends late. The family got home well after seven, and clearly the “go to bed before seven” rule was broken that day. But it still applies on other days. It is simply a rule with exceptions.
Other rules—for example, those about running across the street after a ball, playing with electrical appliances, and so on—as well as certain mitzvot (for older children), must be strict rules. It is extremely important for the parents themselves to set a clear, strong example of strict adherence to these rules. Seeing that their parents follow the same rules makes it easier for a child to accept them.
The Torah says (Shemot 19:3): “And Moshe went up to G-d, and G-d called to him from the mountain, saying: Thus shall you say to the house of Yaakov and declare to the children of Israel.”
The words addressed to women are gentler, as Rashi says. And women raise children in gentler ways, more tenderly and pleasantly. Our task is to draw children's hearts toward observing the mitzvot. The previously quoted passage from Mishlei, “Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not depart from it,” can be understood to mean that a person will stay on the path of self-education throughout life—that is, they will keep educating and developing themselves. At a certain age, a child leaves the parental home, and by then they must have a path that will enable them to become their own educator.
Above All—Prayer
The best time to pray for our children is immediately after fulfilling a mitzvah. For example, after lighting Shabbat candles or separating challah. We can ask that a child have clear understanding, good character traits, health…
Especially when things are difficult with a child, it is very important to pray for them. You can tell the child that Mom is praying for them. Children really appreciate this.
When Should We Make Demands of Children?
For example, even small children can refrain from talking during Kiddush, but sitting at the table for the entire meal is usually difficult for children. Small children should not be forced to sit at the table to impress guests with their “good manners.” But, for example, a child aged 12-13 can already be treated [but with caution] as an adult.
Teaching Children to Observe the Mitzvot
Regarding negative commandments, we know that even a one-day-old infant may not be given nonkosher food. The general rule is this: once a child understands that something is forbidden, they must be kept away from it. A child is ready to observe the prohibitions of Shabbat when they understand what Shabbat is and what “not allowed” means—that is, at 3-4 years old. This applies to our own child, but someone else's child should also be warned if we see that they are about to violate a Torah prohibition.
For positive commandments, such as tzitzit and washing the hands, the time comes when the child can manage them independently and do everything properly. Tzitzit can be given to a little boy once he knows how to dress properly without getting confused about his clothing.
To begin observing mitzvot that involve understanding, such as prayer and blessings, one should wait until the child can understand that there is an Almighty, the Creator of the world.
All education connected with mitzvot should be imbued with joy, so that thinking about a mitzvah is pleasant for the child.
Even pre-Passover cleaning should be made joyful and fun. If a child needs to be rewarded, that is fine, but a tangible reward should not overshadow the child's inner satisfaction from the act itself. The sweetness comes not from the candy, but from the inner awareness: “I am good; I have done something good.”
Prepared by Zissi Skarzhinskaya