Rebbetzin Leah Gans
In raising children, we try to eliminate unwanted behavior and bring about or strengthen desired behavior. Punishment, along with encouragement, is a method of child-rearing that helps change behavior. Through punishment, we try to eliminate the pattern of behavior that we consider unacceptable, and through encouragement—to reinforce a new, good habit.
What can serve as punishment? Does it always mean a shout or a smack? Or is it possible to punish even with a look, or by showing less love than usual?
Essentially, punishment is any action that causes a child to feel a “contrite spirit,” meaning that he regrets what he has done. Punishment can be physical or emotional. Physical punishment is straightforward; for a young child, it may be a smack. Emotional punishment can be expressed in words, such as “I'm disappointed in you” or “You've hurt me”; or through a facial expression—the child looks at his mother and understands that she is disappointed.
My daughter recently came home and told me that she had bought something she was very happy with. But I expressed no admiration, either in my face or in my words. The item was very expensive—too expensive, in my opinion. She had bought it with her own money, and I had no intention of punishing her. She simply did not see the delight on my face that she had expected. She became upset: “I went out, searched, bought it—and you don't like it.” I said nothing to her, but she understood everything from my face. Thus, a facial expression can also serve as a means of educating a child.
Sometimes we mistakenly think that punishment means only a blow, a smack, or a slap in the face. We often make the mistake of treating an unthinking surge of anger, a parent's spontaneous outbursts of rage at a child, as punishment. By definition, this is not punishment. It is simply a parent losing control, with a child who happened to be within reach. This is anger; it is an expression of bad inclinations. Just do not call it punishment.
Punishment is, above all, a deliberate, purposeful action.
A parent must be completely in control of himself; otherwise, by definition, this is not punishment, but simply pouring accumulated negative emotions onto the child. Punishment must be thought through, measured, and controlled.
What does the Torah say about punishment? Must we use it, or can we manage without it?
We know that it is written: “The left hand should always push away, and the right hand draw near.” For the essence of love to be expressed (“the right hand draws near”), there must also be a boundary, punishment (“the left hand pushes away”). The modern approach to child-rearing teaches that it is time to do away with punishment. Parents and teachers should be children's friends; there is no place for punishment, and everyone is on an equal footing. This is the attitude of modern psychologists toward child-rearing. This approach is based on the view that a person is born without faults. If parents treat a child as a friend, give him everything he needs, and treat him with love and tenderness, he will grow into a good, loving person. And a child will learn all his bad qualities from the improper behavior of his parents and those around him.
This is the wrong approach. We know that it is written: “A person is born a wild donkey's colt.” A person is born with the evil inclination. And if parents do not guide their child or exercise parental authority, it is unlikely that he will grow into a good person. Children need expressions of parental authority; they ask for them and demand them. You are surely familiar with dysfunctional families where children misbehave, act out, and scream so that their parents will approach them as guides, set limits, and even punish them. Where punishment is avoided, there can be no talk of upbringing, of “building a person.”
Punishment is an essential part of the process of raising a child.
Of course, it is better to punish as little as possible and not to use force. But we are obligated to exercise our authority.
A child must know that a parent is on a different level. Without punishment, a child at 2 years old may stick his fingers into an electrical outlet, at 3 years old ride his bicycle into the road, and at 4 years old pull out his newborn brother's hair, and so on. The norm is for a child to know that in a dangerous or unpleasant situation, when he might harm himself or others, a parent will be there to stop him and prevent him from doing something wrong. A parent also uses the principle of “the right hand draws near,” showing love and encouraging good behavior, but sometimes we must apply “the left hand pushes away” to set limits and stop bad behavior.
A young child often does not understand a parent's explanations about the dangers of certain things and actions. A little brother has been born. Naturally, the parents try to bring the brothers closer together, explaining how the older one will now help care for the younger one: you will bring a towel, a diaper, a pacifier. But if the older child hits or bites the younger one, he will get a smack from his mother and understand that this is the limit: such behavior is unacceptable. “I won't do that again; it's not worth it for me.”
When the child grows older, he will receive different punishments for more serious wrongdoing (if necessary). A child should not look at a parent as though their understanding is the same. On the contrary, in the child's eyes, a parent has an adult outlook on life, greater experience, a deep understanding of how to assess a situation, and an even temperament. With such an adult beside him, a child grows up spiritually healthy. This is the upbringing that the Torah commands us to provide.
Prepared by Zissi Skarzhinskaya