Chava Rom
I would divide all questions about teen fashion into two topics that concern mothers:
- How do we instill good taste in girls and preserve their natural sense of feminine modesty amid changing fashions?
and
- How do we choose clothes for a teenage girl when shopping in a store?
What do clothes mean to a teenager first and foremost?
We use them to signal our membership in a particular group. This is especially characteristic of teenagers.
Those who turn to various subcultures in the nonreligious world rebel and test boundaries, but ultimately often erase their individuality behind a mask in order to belong to a group of nonconformists. In every group, in every setting, young people will have their own fashions, and if you do not follow them, you will no longer be accepted in your circle.
During adolescence, a sense of self-worth is often expressed through outward appearances.
When we speak about an adult woman, we are talking about style. A mature person will not chase fashion, but will instead use elements of it for self-expression.
A woman who runs into a friend on the street wearing exactly the same clothes will not be pleased, while a girl may not be upset by this.
Even if a girl says, “I want to be special, different from everyone else,” she most likely means that she needs the same thing everyone else has, but the most expensive version or one brought from abroad.
Judaism places great importance on belonging to a group.
Clothing can tell us who belongs to which religious movement, sometimes through small details and sometimes through the overall look.
In his book on clothing, “Oz Vehadar Levushah,” Rabbi Falk devotes an entire chapter to how our surroundings influence our perception of what is beautiful and what is not, and how dangerous that influence can be.
- First, we must pay careful attention to the community in which our children grow up,
- and second, give them a sense of belonging and provide them with what is customary in that community.
Sometimes a mother is reluctant to spend money on clothes her daughter will quickly outgrow, but I assure you: these are more than just clothes. They are often a prerequisite for a girl's psychological well-being and self-confidence.
The more often we have told our daughter that she is beautiful, the better!
This will not lead to a lack of modesty or a preoccupation with her appearance, as many fear.
Modesty is a natural quality instilled by the Almighty, and the more a mother gives her daughter a sense of self-confidence, the less she will need validation "out on the street".
If a mother and daughter have a trusting relationship, the mother will be able to discuss the important subject of modesty with her.
Modest clothing is precisely the tool that helps us express our true selves.
Modest clothing conceals the body and puts my qualities as a person first. It does not divide me into parts or put me in a competition on unequal terms, where it is often impossible to change anything. Yes, clothing can be expensive or inexpensive, beautiful or ugly, but it is not the person herself. Clothing is a language. Clothing tells others exactly as much about me as I want to reveal.
Modest clothing protects a young woman from unwanted and dangerous looks, and from making unsuitable acquaintances. If a young woman attracts someone with her figure, there will be another million women who can compete with her.
But no one can compete with her unique personality—there is no one else like her in the entire world!!!
If a girl sees “the dignity of a king's daughter” in her home, in the example of her mother, she is unlikely to want cheap attention on the street.
This places a very great responsibility on us. A mother cannot wear a faded, stained housecoat and some odd head covering that does not remotely resemble a queen's crown, and demand from her daughter the modesty befitting royalty. Instead of dignity, the word “modesty” will be associated with poverty and neglect.
Our job is to set an example as a well-groomed woman who dresses tastefully and is confident in herself, especially if we are concerned about outside influences on our children.
There is no need to be afraid to consult our children about what to wear for one occasion or another. But confidence in myself and in the fact that I am a worthy role model is very important.
Sometimes a mother may be horrified by what her daughter likes, but if she immediately passes judgment on her, her daughter is unlikely to want her mother's opinion on the subject next time.
And if the outfit stays within the bounds of halacha, in most cases it is worth saying something like, “What an interesting look! I might just change this one detail…”
And if there is a problem that cannot be resolved through discussion, it is essential to consult a rabbi who understands child-rearing before criticizing your daughter.
It would be wonderful if a mother understood interesting styling techniques and the rules for combining colors and patterns. I assure you that this is not at all difficult, but it can help us establish our credibility with our daughters on this subject.
Taste develops through looking at harmonious outfits and paying attention to detail. And if a mother has managed to develop it herself, her daughter will most likely absorb it from an early age.
In the next article, we will try to explore the subject of choosing clothes for a teenage girl…