Rabbi Simcha Cohen
Love and compassion
We can find the connection between compassion and bonding in the most authoritative Aramaic translation of the Torah, by Onkelos, and in the words of the Maharal. Onkelos consistently translates the word “love” with the Aramaic word rechim, whose meaning is close to “compassion.” He uses a similar word to translate the expression “find favor in your eyes” as well.
The Maharal mentions several times that rachamim (compassion, mercy) is a state of being joined together. Let us consider his words (Chiddushei Aggadot, Shabbat 139): “Of all the qualities, only compassion involves a bond. When someone feels compassion for another, he joins with him, and he feels compassion for someone with whom he has a bond. Just as a father feels compassion for his children—he is bound to and united with his son, and therefore feels compassion for him. That is why he is said to love him, since he is bound to him.”
“The quality of compassion and mercy manifests itself when a person forms a bond and unites with the one for whom he feels compassion.”
The word “compassion” in this context means emotional involvement, caring, and empathy. Thus, when a husband shows understanding of his wife’s difficulties and tells her that they really are serious, she feels that he cares about her, and this confirms for her that he is attached to her. This is also particularly evident when a husband tells his wife: “I was worried about you.” She will probably be more pleased with this expression of love than with other affectionate words, such as “I missed you.” That is because it expresses caring. But when a wife tells her husband, “I was worried about you,” it does not have the same effect. A man finds it unpleasant to hear that his wife felt distressed, especially because of him, because he came home late.
When a father feels compassion for his son, he “feels” what his son is experiencing and puts himself in his place. His son’s wound, whether physical or emotional, causes the father real pain. It is quite possible that the pain parents feel for their child is much greater than the pain the child actually feels. The reason is that parents are attached to their children. To a certain extent, a woman expects her husband to express a similar attachment to her.
In fact, she tries to cause him a little pain so that he will become actively involved in her problems and feelings. She really does manage to cause him pain, but, as we explained above, it is a different kind of pain—a sense of failure and anxiety that makes him want to distance himself from her.
The effects of a woman’s expectation of empathy for her problems can be seen even in small details that she herself does not notice.
For example, one can observe a woman’s body language as she serves food to guests. She hands each person a serving, smiling and saying, “Enjoy your meal.” But when she serves her husband, her face not only lacks a smile but also shows a slight expression of distress.
There are two reasons for this change in facial expression. One is the fact that human beings naturally treat strangers more warmly than people they know. The other is her unconscious desire to say to her husband: “Do you notice that things are hard for me?”
A husband comes home expecting to be greeted with a smile. His wife was in an excellent mood, but when he steps across the threshold, her face takes on a pained expression, even though she greets him and is happy in her heart that he has come home. And all of this, as we have already said, happens unconsciously.
One more important detail should be noted. In some situations, a woman feels that her husband does not take her distress to heart at all, but that is not actually the case. It is reasonable to assume that her problems concern him very much, but he tries to push them out of his mind and, above all, to give the outward impression that all her complaints, pleas for help, and even tears do not affect him.