Rabbi Simcha Cohen
What makes a woman feel most strongly that her husband is attached to her? Agreement.
Agreement with her position, approval of her reasoning, sharing her feelings. She is not asking him to change his opinion simply to do her a favor and agree with her. In this context, it is also not a matter of agreement and a willingness to do everything she asks. But she has an inner desire for her husband to agree with her opinion, even about small things, such as: “the tree opposite us is beautiful,” “we’re stuck in traffic,” “we should paint the children’s room,” and so on. She also needs him to agree with her opinions about people, neighbors, and politicians.
One of the great rabbis of the past, the Meiri, writes: “The word ‘love’ is defined as sameness of opinion. Philosophers regard love as unity of opinion and sameness of desire.”
The Torah commentator Sforno also writes (Bereishit 2:24) that a loving bond is a joining of identical or similar approaches to life: “A person should endeavor to marry a worthy woman who is suited to him… For there can be no true attachment between those who are dissimilar. It can exist only between those who resemble one another, for then they will agree with each other’s views.”
More than anything, a wife needs her husband to acknowledge her difficulties.
This is expressed most clearly in the way she constantly and passionately describes her problems and difficulties to her husband. She speaks emotionally about her tiredness, about how she suffers from the heat or the terrible cold; she describes problems with the children with particular emotion, talks about the soup that spilled, the effort she put into preparing lunch, and so on and so forth. Such behavior stands in sharp contrast to her husband’s few and infrequent complaints about his problems.
When a wife does not feel that her husband agrees that things are hard for her, she constantly reproaches him, saying: “You don’t understand me!” She has no idea what her husband thinks when she says, “You don’t understand me.” On the other hand, we can see a wife’s bond with her husband grow stronger the moment he expresses his agreement that things are difficult for her.
Clearly, she describes her difficulties and problems so that others will understand her, stand by her, and feel compassion for her.
This emotional connection strengthens her sense of being close to her husband. The reader may mistakenly conclude that if a wife tries to elicit compassion and needs expressions of solidarity, this indicates weakness and inadequacy. But that is not so. When one person feels compassion for another, a strong emotional bond develops between them. Thus, when a husband feels compassion for his wife and stands by her in her difficulties, he creates in her the very important feeling that he is attached to her with all his heart.
It must be noted that a woman’s life changes radically after marriage. These changes are not only practical and functional, but emotional as well. Often, a wife complains to her husband only to emphasize: “All these problems and difficulties are really my contribution to the bond between us. It matters so much to me that I am willing, for its sake, to endure difficulties with the children, endless housework, and so on…” Accordingly, she expects her husband to stand by her and confirm that he understands her problems, values her sacrifices for the family, and appreciates her devotion to it.
Such solidarity shows that the bond between them matters to him as well, and that he values her efforts to strengthen it.
While wives report that when their husbands listen to them and empathize with their problems, they feel emotionally connected to them, husbands report that women’s complaints often make them withdraw emotionally from their wives. Sometimes a husband becomes angry: “Why doesn’t she show any consideration for me when she tells me all her problems? Don’t I have enough problems and worries of my own? Why does she keep adding more and more, especially when there is nothing I can do to help her solve her problems?!”