Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Most likely, everyone is familiar with the folk parable from the East about a grandfather, a boy, and a donkey. An old miller rode a donkey while his grandson walked beside him. But people disapproved: the old man was riding while the little boy walked. The grandfather got off the donkey and seated his grandson on it, but people disapproved again. Then they tried riding the donkey together, but people mocked that arrangement too… It ended with the grandfather and grandson walking, while the little donkey rode on the grandfather's back. [Immigrants from the Soviet Union are familiar with this parable in S. Marshak's retelling, “Who Ever Saw Such a Thing? Who Ever Heard of Such a Thing?”]
What conclusion can we draw from this parable? Someone who does not act according to their own reasoning, but constantly listens to others, eventually becomes ridiculous in the eyes of those around them.
Our topic today is whether it is right to act as society dictates, or whether we should follow our own path. The influence of those around us is much stronger in children and weaker in adults, but it is still present. So what should we do?
From Bad Company to the Wilderness
The Rambam says on this subject (Hilchot De'ot 6,1): “By nature, a person tends to follow his friends and those close to him in his decisions and actions, and behaves as is customary in his city. He must therefore strive to draw close to the righteous and always sit (in the company of) sages, so that he can learn from their actions… and distance himself from the wicked who walk in darkness, so that he does not learn their ways.” The Rambam goes on to say that if a person is surrounded by bad company, he should live “in solitude” (not become close to his neighbors). And if the sinners around him are so wicked that they will not let him live in peace until he becomes like them, and will not let him escape elsewhere, then “he should go to a cave, to thorn bushes, or to the desert, but under no circumstances follow their actions.”
The Rambam warns us very clearly that if we are surrounded by wicked people, we must separate ourselves from them, because no one can vouch for himself: “I will live among sinners, but I will manage. My convictions are unshakable; nothing will happen to me.” The truth is that a person is a social being, and society influences him even against his wishes. This is true of adults, but even more so of children. Children, whose convictions have not yet formed, are undoubtedly susceptible to the influence of their surroundings. Wherever we place them, there is no chance that they will not learn something.
Once, the Chazon Ish was speaking with the Satmar Rebbe. Their conversation turned to the passage quoted above from the Rambam's Hilchot De'ot, and to what could be called a “cave” or “desert” in our time—a refuge from the influence of the surrounding world. The Chazon Ish said that in our time, these are the holy yeshivas. There is an entirely distinct world there, closed to outside influences.
Across from us is the Kaplan Yeshiva. Sometimes, when we step out onto the balcony, we see the young men sitting immersed in their studies, in their own reality. Whenever we look—morning, afternoon, or night—there is always someone sitting and studying. Some study late into the night, while others rise before dawn; the learning never stops. The young men live there on their own, as if in a desert, cut off from the outside world. They keep one another company; the surrounding world does not penetrate inside.
Testing for Conformity
Sometimes the influence of one's surroundings is so strong that even logic and reason are powerless against it.
In 1951, the American scientist Solomon Asch conducted interesting research among students. Under the guise of a “vision test,” he tested their susceptibility to the influence of other people (conformity). Eight people were invited into a classroom. Each was given pairs of cards: the first showed one vertical line, and the second showed three, only one of which was the same length as the line on the first card. The students' task was quite simple: they had to say which of the three lines on the second card was the same length as the line shown on the first card. A total of 18 pairs of cards were compared during the experiment. S. Asch arranged the student groups so that, out of 8 people, only 1 was a genuine subject who believed that a “vision test” was taking place. When they were questioned, he answered last.
Everyone answered the first two questions correctly, but then the “plants” began giving deliberately incorrect answers (all the same answer). They answered confidently and calmly. The “subjects” began to doubt their own answers and became confused. Although they could clearly see that the lines were different, because the majority chose a different answer, they followed the majority.
When it was later explained to them that this had not been a vision test, but a test of conformity—of changing one's own opinion under the influence of others—they were asked: “Why did you give incorrect answers?” They replied that since everyone else was so sure of themselves when giving the wrong answer, we must be the ones who are wrong.
This confirmed that the unanimous opinion of those around a person really does change that person's perspective and reasoning, even about obvious, elementary things. None of us, adults or children, can be certain that if we fall in with “bad company,” we will not begin imitating those around us.
The Kotzker Rebbe said something remarkable: “If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then you are not you, and I am not I. But if I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I, and you are you.” If a person does not live by his own convictions, but constantly looks at others and imitates them, then he is not himself, but someone else: “I” is “you.” But if each person thinks things through and makes his own logical decisions, each remains himself.
In What Ways Should We Be Different?
In his collection of letters, Kovetz Igrot, the Chazon Ish offers this guidance to young men: “One must be careful not to do strange things that others do not do. One must be very careful about this.” He emphasizes the word “very.”
We have just said that we should not follow those around us. A person might say: “I couldn't care less what others do. I will behave completely differently. I have my own original opinion.” But the Chazon Ish cautions against strange behavior that differs from everyone else's. What should we do, then? And what should we tell our children—“do what everyone else does” or “follow your own path”? I think the answer needs to distinguish between two situations.
When one's surroundings are bad, one should act as the Rambam writes. If there is a danger of falling under a bad influence, we must distance ourselves and remove our children. We must develop a strong will in a child so that he can withstand pressure. He must know that in important matters—in matters of mitzvot—he does not follow the opinions of bad company.
We may discuss this in more detail later, but I would like to point out that we should not subject a child to such a test in the first place by placing him among people whose ways conflict with his convictions. We should not warn him, “Do not follow them,” and expect him to withstand the pressure. Hoping that a child will cope is, at the very least, dangerous.
If we know that our son might come across undesirable material (books, media, films) at a neighboring boy's home, we cannot tell him: “Go there, but don't read or watch.” Even an adult often lacks the strength to refrain from watching or reading. All the more so a child.
But if a child does find himself in such a place, his will must be strong enough to resist temptation, and he must have the tools to do so. In his book of the same name on the laws of lashon hara, the Chofetz Chaim writes that sometimes a person finds himself in a situation where everyone around him is a scoffer, everyone is speaking ill of others and mocking holy things. What should he do? He offers several suggestions for this situation: leave, cover his ears with his hands… He then writes that even if they laugh at him, “it is better to be called a fool for your entire life than to sin before the Almighty even for a moment.” If we consider a person's “days of life” in light of the eternity that awaits his soul after 120 years, it is better to be thought a fool in this life than to lose eternal life.
When an Inoculation Offers No Protection
Some parents believe that a child should be given an “inoculation” against various things: that is, allowed to try them a little at a time “under supervision,” so that these negative things will not be able to harm him. For example, there are youth movements where boys and girls are together. They believe that nothing will happen…
We do not use this approach in raising our children. We believe that a child already receives too many “inoculations”—simply leaving the house to go out into the street, to a shop, or to the doctor is enough. Whether we like it or not, a child is exposed to the influence of his surroundings. We therefore protect our children as much as we can—at home and in their places of learning. We will not be able to do this all their lives. But just as a plant in a greenhouse is protected from its environment and from insects, and grows strong and healthy, so we care for our children. Children are tender shoots entrusted to our care, and we must, as far as possible, protect and safeguard them from pests. We must check which books we give them to read, keep them from the influence of the media, and not let them onto the Internet. We should not say: “We trust you; you can choose good, worthwhile things for yourselves.” Often, we cannot even trust ourselves in such a situation…
to be continued
Prepared by — Mrs. Zissy Skarzhinskaya