Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Mimicry Is a Child's Form of Self-Defense
On the other hand, let us consider a situation in a religious community. If the custom at kindergarten is for all the boys to wear socks of a particular color, we should not put socks of a different color on our son, saying that we do not care what others think of us and that we will do things our own way. If a particular kind of shoe is not worn at a girls' school, we should not buy that very kind just to prove that we will wear it anyway.
There are cheders where the custom is for boys to carry only bags, not satchels. Yet we send a boy with a satchel because “that's what we have at home; I'm not going to run out for a new bag just because that's what everyone at cheder carries.” Treating our own child this way is unfair to him. He should not have to “cope” with this; pressure from those around him is very powerful.
One of my sons, while in the first class at cheder (the cheder kindergarten, 4,5 years old), suddenly refused to have any spreads on his sandwich—he wanted just bread. Every morning I asked him, “What should I spread on your bread? This?”
– No.
– This?
– No.
– What, then?
– Nothing.
– Would you like us to buy something else that we don't have at home?
– No.
But I knew that he did not like plain bread and preferred spreads. One day he finally opened up and told me that the other children thought spreads on sandwiches were disgusting. For a while, he had been so afraid of going against the others' opinion that he ate plain bread.
At the beginning of winter, I bought him new gloves and an umbrella, but he refused to take them. After the first cold, rainy day, my son came home and said, “I want gloves and an umbrella.” What had changed? Before then, there had been no rain, and he thought bringing gloves and an umbrella was not the done thing. But that day, because of the rain, everyone brought gloves and an umbrella—and he wanted them too.
In other words, what matters most is not that he is cold, but that he is like everyone else.
One of my daughters, while in the upper grades of seminary, very much wanted to wear makeup. I did not approve: in my day, girls that age (15-16 years old) did not yet wear makeup (I mean light makeup). I said no, and my daughter did not ask again. Some time later, her younger, bolder sister approached me and said, “All the girls in her class already wear makeup, and she is the only one who goes without it.” It turned out that this was indeed the case: all the girls wore makeup, and she was very embarrassed to be the only one who did not. Yet she had kept quiet because she was shy. Since this was now accepted among good families, I gave her permission too.
Or another example: girls began wearing “grown-up” tights—beige or flesh-colored. This was not customary before. Now it is fashionable. More and more girls really do dress this way. But you should not be the first to introduce this into the class. Wait until the new trend takes hold; do not be among the first to buy the new item, so the girl will not stand out in class. She will be “like everyone else.” When something is new, it draws the eye. It does not matter whether the tights are yellow, gray, or green—any color is kosher (except red), but not when that color stands out against the rest.
We cannot even imagine what might provoke rejection among children: shoes, glasses, items of clothing. Many true stories have already been written about children mocking particular traits or unusual things. A mother sends her child to school, and the child returns looking rumpled and sullen. She does not know that her child is the target of ridicule at school. It is worth trying to get the child to open up so we can learn what is happening at school. Younger children speak more readily; older children may stay silent for a long time about what is happening, but we need to reassure them that we are ready to listen.
Who Is "Everyone"?
When a child says that "everyone" does something, it does not always mean that everyone really does. One day my daughter came home from school very upset and announced that “everyone goes to the pool.” When I tried asking her about each of her friends, she replied, “She doesn't, but everyone else does.” In fact, it turned out that only a couple of girls went to the pool. This does not mean the child is lying. It is simply that, to her, those two girls are “everyone.” Parents should not immediately give in to persuasion; they need to check how widely the practice has “taken over” the class. But if a child is left alone to face ridicule, and the matters involved are not of fundamental importance, it is worth making concessions.
Incidentally, when choosing an extracurricular class, we need to find out which children are signing up. It is worth calling the instructor and asking how she would assess the children's level of religious observance and openness to the wider world. Children share what they have seen and read during these classes, and we are by no means sure that we would want our child to know about these things. We may not even find out that our child has heard something inappropriate or seen something forbidden at home. Swimming classes require particular attention.
If the children are very insistent about something that seems illogical, I always check whether this is really happening in their class; it may be pressure from those around them. If it is something bad, it does not matter that all their classmates do it—it will not happen. If these things involve fundamental principles that matter to me, I will persuade the child to be strong and not give in.
It is known that there is a fundamental difference between kosher and non-kosher fish: kosher fish can swim against the current. Non-kosher fish swim only with the current.
When a child encounters bad things, they must be able to swim against the current.
Regarding behavior, we need to remember that this is an inner matter; here it is important to explain to a child that they can be different. My daughter told me that no one listens to the new teacher who is filling in for the regular teacher. All the girls sing during the lesson, disrupt it, and disobey her. Why doesn't the teacher consult the principal? Because she knows she will immediately be removed and replaced. So it all continued as before. I told my daughter that even if everyone behaves badly, she must not join them in this case. When it comes to bad behavior, you must not do what everyone else does.
The Standard Has Been Set
Some things are customary in a particular place, and even if we do not like them, as long as they are not inherently bad, it is worth agreeing to accept them. There are yeshivas where high standards of dress are customary. The young men buy expensive things, and often a family cannot afford such expenses. But once parents have placed their son in such a yeshiva (of course, they should find out beforehand where they are sending their child), they cannot then say, “You are going here because it is a good place that suits you, but you are not to ask us for expensive shirts or suits. We shop once a season, and we buy what we can afford, not the very best.” If we send a child there, we should take everything into account so that the child feels comfortable—including clothing.
Although we know of exceptional cases in which children successfully coped with external circumstances that did not quite suit their families, as a rule we should investigate and choose a school for a child whose style does not conflict with the customs at home. [Editor's note: However, if children choose a yeshiva that is good overall (a seminary for girls), then even if it does not quite match the customs at home, you must not fight this!]
Each child has their own qualities that can guide the choice of a school for them.
One daughter may be suited to a seminary with more in-depth study of subjects; another to one with more spiritual content and a more sheltered atmosphere; a third to a smaller one, with small classes and more attention from the teachers. We need to consider each child's personality. There is, however, a familiar phenomenon: if one daughter attends a particular seminary, the others will most likely go there too. With boys, each usually attends the yeshiva that suits him.
I have in mind the example of a woman from a “parent education” course. This woman said she would never forgive her mother for sending her to a Gerrer seminary (Ger is a branch of Hasidism). My neighbor, who taught the course, happened to be a Gerrer Hasid herself and took offense: “What's so bad about Ger?” The woman replied that there was nothing bad about it; her family simply was not a family of Gerrer Hasidim, and she had apparently been sent there because the seminary was close to home. The girl was unprepared for different social codes. This involved more than clothing. When all her classmates talked about a wedding in the Rebbe's family, about tishen, or about certain matters unique to Gerrer Hasidim, this girl could not join the conversation. She constantly felt like an outsider. To this day, she believes her mother made a terrible mistake.
One's Own Path of Development
Parents need to accept the Chazon Ish's view and watch to see whether their child is behaving strangely. Sometimes a boy decides to behave especially “righteously,” taking on patterns of behavior that seem strange for young men of our time (perhaps he learned them from great rebbes, from great righteous people who reached that point after many years of Torah study and work on themselves), and that are not appropriate for his age. The other children consider him strange, and later he really does become “strange.” We need to be careful about this.
A person should be able to develop their personality, their “self,” without standing out from those around them.
The Book of Malachi (3:18) states: “And you will again distinguish between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves G-d and one who does not serve Him.” The Gemara explains this verse through the difference between someone who has studied a lesson 100 times and someone who has studied it 101 times. Rav Wolbe asks: Does someone who has studied a lesson 100 times really not serve G-d? Only someone who has studied it 101 times? He answers that in those days everyone learned by heart, and it was customary to review precisely 100 times. But someone who reviewed one more time put in a little more effort than everyone else—it is of this person that it is said that he “serves G-d.” From this we conclude that making an effort, thinking deeply, and not studying like everyone else, exactly 100 times as was customary, but reviewing one more time—this is the difference “between one who serves G-d and one who does not serve Him.” This shows us that what matters is expressing ourselves specifically through the mitzvot we can fulfill in a unique way—more thoughtfully, with the proper mindset. How exactly we can deepen our Torah study—with our unique strengths and our unique minds.
Everyone must look within themselves, at the inner strengths the Almighty gave specifically to them for their purpose.
When visiting mourners to comfort them, it is customary to say, “May the Almighty comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Why the Almighty? Aren't we the ones who have come to comfort them? Because there is no person who can be replaced by another. Everyone is absolutely unique. We cannot say: he was a rabbi, but there are still many rabbis left. She was a homemaker, and there are many other homemakers in the world. The world loses someone who has no replacement. The only One who can comfort the mourners is the Almighty Himself. Only He can fill this person's place in the world and bring them back at the resurrection of the dead.
A person must know that their place in the world is unique, and that no one can fulfill their mission in their stead.
Using the strengths the Almighty has given us for our task in this world is precisely how we can stand out from those around us. Not outwardly—everyone is different anyway—but inwardly. We can spend our entire lives doing what others do: praying like others, studying like everyone else. Or we can get up in the morning and decide: today I will be myself; I will fulfill mitzvot as only I can. It takes a great deal of thought to understand how to use the strengths our Creator has given us properly. This applies both to us and to our children. We need to explain to a child that since they were born, they certainly have particular qualities that they must develop and that are needed in this world—otherwise they would not exist.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya