Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
The Rambam writes about three levels of love:
| 1. The lowest. "Pleasure-based love." 2. The middle. "Benefit-based love." 3. The highest. Love that depends on nothing—true love. |
The first level, "Pleasure-based love", is the beginning, the foundation of love.
You could say that, at first, young people are actually in love with pleasure, with being in love. The Almighty created us in such a way that pleasure is the glue that holds our relationships together.
In love, as in any spiritual work, you cannot skip steps.
If one level of love is skipped, the next is unattainable too.
I once worked with a very pleasant couple. Cultured, very well-educated, middle-aged people. They have been living together for quite a long time. Their relationship is steady and calm.
The reason they came to me was not particularly complicated or tragic, but it had almost brought them to divorce. Talking with them was a pleasure. Both responded very well and were open, and suddenly the conversation stumbled over what seemed the most harmless topic. I asked them to describe the early, romantic period of their relationship. To recall something pleasant, something sweet. They could not remember anything... Instead, they explained the calculations on which they had based their choice of each other, and how well they had always been able to cooperate.
In other words, this couple had hoped that they could skip straight to the second level of love without bothering with falling in love. But when difficulties arose, it turned out that their relationship had nothing to recharge it, that emotionally they had been building their home in midair.
The only remedy in this situation is to restore the stage that was skipped.
Fall in love!!! If people manage to fall in love with strangers, how much more exciting a challenge it is to fall in love with someone you have known for a long time!
In general, even if your romantic period was very romantic indeed, it is always useful to strengthen and deepen your closeness.
A few practical tips:
- Set aside one evening a week just for the two of you.
- Make a list of everything that has brought pleasure to both of you in the past.
- Don't hold back. Write down both big joys and the very smallest ones. What matters is that, in those moments, you felt good together.
(Do this exercise together. You can offer little prizes for each happy memory. It does not matter at all what they are. What matters is that they make you happy, make you laugh, and bring you closer).
- Mark the things that used to bring you joy but now make much less of an impression.
Don't dwell on why this happened. Think right away about what to do and, above all, when to do it (urgently).
- Make a list of everything you have never done together but would like to. Don't be afraid to dream!!! This is not a binding plan. (Although I know one couple in which the husband wrote: "Go skydiving while holding hands." And his wife gave him that jump as a birthday present... Personally, even writing about it frightens me...)
(Do this exercise individually, and then discuss it together. You will discover each other's dreams. Just listen. Be careful! Don't comment, and don't laugh).
- Make a list of the things you are grateful to your partner for.
(And do this exercise on your own).
- Write down the areas in which you feel united.
- Together, come up with fifty questions about yourselves. Now each of you should answer them twice on your own. The first time, about yourself; the second, about your spouse. Then compare your answers!
Pay particular attention to answers that do not match. The main purpose of the game is getting to know one another. We only think we know each other very well. You can get to know your spouse on a subtler, deeper level. And fall in love! ♥♥♥
to be continued