Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
The Ben Ish Chai told the following story:
A Woodcutter and a Shepherd who spoke different languages worked in the same field. Every day at noon, the Shepherd's wife came and brought him lunch. One day, the Shepherd's wife was late. One hour passed, then another, and she still had not arrived! The Shepherd began to worry. He decided that he had to run home and check whether something had happened. But how could he leave the sheep unattended? The Shepherd decided to ask the Woodcutter for help. He began explaining through facial expressions and gestures:
- Here are the sheep. I want to run home. You're chopping wood anyway. Could you keep an eye on the sheep while you're at it?
The Woodcutter watched the shepherd carefully and understood his request as follows:
- I'm busy with the sheep. You've cut and gathered a lot of brushwood; give me some for the sheep too.
The Woodcutter was surprised and tried to explain:
- I'm doing physical labor. You're taking it easy with the sheep. Why should I give you brushwood?
The Shepherd smiled in satisfaction:
- He understood everything! He told me: “I'm working; you can go wherever you like!”
The Shepherd ran home and returned; fortunately, nothing bad had happened while he was gone. He was sure that the Woodcutter had watched the sheep and wanted to thank him. There was one lame sheep in his flock. Selling it would not bring in much money, but it would make a wonderful gift. The Shepherd took the lame sheep, went over to the woodcutter, and explained to him without words:
- You guarded my sheep. In return, I want to give you one of them. It's lame, admittedly, but that doesn't matter.
The Woodcutter was indignant. Why on earth was the shepherd blaming him for the lameness of a sheep he had never seen before and had not even gone near!!!
The Shepherd interpreted the Woodcutter's furious gestures as follows:
- Some lame sheep isn't good enough for him!
He tried to explain quietly and calmly:
- Don't worry about it being lame; it's a nice, fat sheep…
- You've ruined such a fine sheep!—was how the Woodcutter interpreted his gestures.
It nearly came to blows. In the end, the two indignant men went their separate ways home.
And there they are, sitting at home that evening. The Woodcutter thinks:
- Good thing I got away in time. What an awful shepherd I ran into! He wanted to blame me for his sheep's problems.
And the shepherd thinks:
- What a miser that woodcutter is! But he ended up empty-handed, while I've got a nice fat sheep!
As you have probably noticed, situations like this keep happening in our lives: between friends, coworkers, parents and children, husbands and wives. Why?
There are several interesting points to note in the behavior of the Woodcutter and the Shepherd.
First of all, what stands out is that each is talking “to himself.” The fact that the other person speaks a different language does not bother them. They do not even try to understand what the other person meant, or to check whether they themselves have been understood correctly. Both take it for granted that every thought and idea of theirs is clear to any normal person.
This situation is familiar to everyone. Let us try to examine in greater detail what leads “woodcutters” and “shepherds” to painful misunderstandings that can develop into serious family problems.
I get the impression that women are convinced that on their wedding day, right under the chuppah, men are granted the gift of prophecy—the ability to read women's thoughts and inner feelings.
When it turns out that their chosen one cannot, after all, read minds from a distance, it is a tragedy.
I was astonished by one woman who came to me about a problem in her relationship with her husband that had made her deeply unhappy for seven years. After hearing her story, I asked a perfectly natural and, to my mind, simple question:
- And what does your husband think about this?
In reply, the woman said, engulfing me in a wave of contempt:
- Why would I tell him about it? Doesn't he understand on his own?!
For seven long years she had remained silent and unhappy, firmly convinced that he “should understand on his own!!!”
The Torah anticipates the possibility of this destructive approach to building family relationships. Set against it is the concept of “communication,” defined as the ability to speak and listen.
To be continued