Rebbetzin Leah Gans
It is very important to know what Judaism's attitude toward women's beauty actually is.
Beauty is a positive thing!
The Almighty created beauty, as it is written: “A woman is given for beauty”—for her husband, in particular, to save him from sin. When we say that a woman should be beautiful for her husband, in her own home, some find this hard to accept. If she doesn't care how she looks at home, but adorns herself before going out—clothing, makeup, a wig—that is a problem.
At the time of the wig scandal, when everyone switched to scarves, my neighbor told me: “I'll wear a scarf outside, but at home, for my husband, I'll wear a wig. My husband deserves a beautiful wife.” Don't ask me which is more beautiful—a wig or a scarf—that was my neighbor's reasoning. I'm not saying everyone should do exactly that, but it is an example of the right approach.
A couple came to a Sephardic rabbi with a question: the wife liked wearing black because she felt it suited her best. Her husband, on the other hand, felt that her black outfit created a gloomy mood, “like the 9th of Av,” and he disliked her being in black all the time. “How can he make me wear something I don't like?!” The rabbi ruled as follows: when the wife goes out, she may wear black as much as she likes, but at home, in her husband's presence, she should wear colorful clothing—what her husband likes. Both were pleased with this decision.
Beauty as a Gift
It is written: “Chen ishah—leba'alah,” “a wife's beauty is for her husband.” There are two explanations for this:
1. Chen comes from the word chinam, free of charge, as a gift. A woman is given beauty—that is, it is bestowed on her as a gift—so that she will be pleasing to her husband. As long as she does not do something he dislikes—for example, anger him—a woman is ordinarily given this gift: beauty in her husband's eyes. Completely free.
2. In addition, chen also appears in the expression chen b'einav, meaning “pleasing in his eyes.” A woman does what is beautiful specifically in the eyes of her husband. For example, some husbands prefer their wives not to wear makeup. In that case, she may wear makeup to the office (obviously, nothing too bold), while at home she keeps the natural look her husband likes. This applies to clothing as well—a woman should not wear something her husband dislikes in his presence.
Children, too, should see a mother who cares for herself, looks beautiful, and takes care of her appearance.
Beauty comes from the soul. Our matriarchs are known to have been beautiful. It is written of Sarah that her second name, Iscah, had two meanings, and one of them was that everyone “gazed” at her beauty. The Talmud calls her one of the four most beautiful women in the world. Of Rebecca it is said: “The maiden was very beautiful” (Genesis, 24:15), and of Rachel it is written: “Beautiful in form and beautiful in face” (Genesis, 29:17).
If the Torah speaks about beauty, that means it receives attention; it means it is important.
But the purpose is to direct that beauty toward the home, toward one's husband.
A Harmful Extreme
I once heard the following parable. A king had a faithful servant. One day, the king decided to entrust his most beautiful crown to the servant. As he handed over the crown, the king said: “You must guard it as the apple of your eye, keeping it hidden from everyone in a special cover and a box. I will take it for a festival once a year. You will keep the key, but I forbid you to open the box or show anyone my crown.” The servant did indeed guard the crown all year. But when the king needed to take the crown himself, the servant refused to give even him the key. He refused to open the box even for the king himself.
The same thing sometimes happens with wives. They forget that their beauty is intended for their husbands, and do not show it even at home. Just like the servant in the parable. This is the other extreme, and it is very harmful!
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya