Waiting, hoping, anticipating—this is one of the most characteristic states of the human psyche. People are made in such a way that they cannot appreciate the full value of something until they have experienced being without it. Absence, difficulty in obtaining something, and the need to wait heighten desire and intensify the joy of attaining it.
What is hard to attain is especially alluring. That is precisely why people place less value on what is always “at hand.” What we are used to gives us far less pleasure than something new. So waiting and longing are a very important part of creating an emotional bond between a person and the object they seek[1].
Although we all want deep, lasting marital relationships “for life,” we very often find ourselves, as we know, caught in the web of habit and routine, which impoverishes and destroys relationships. Ask a married man whether he notices a difference between his feelings for his wife after a separation of two weeks, say after a business trip, and his usual feelings toward her, and you can predict the answer. Have his feelings become sharper and more intense after the separation? The answer is obvious.
In previous chapters, we drew parallels between the four seasons, the stages of a woman's monthly cycle, and the Jewish laws of family purity. Now, turning to the human capacity for anticipation, let us look for a way to deepen the relationship and strengthen the inner bond between husband and wife in accordance with Jewish laws, which lead a couple toward a unity that helps them “cultivate and safeguard” the world in which they live.
- Spring. Anticipation
During the “seven clean days,” unfulfilled mutual desire and anticipation of their reunion after immersion strengthen the bond between husband and wife.
- Summer. Attainment
The couple are once again permitted to have intimate relations. They feel renewed tenderness and love for one another, delight in one another, and unite with the full depth of their feelings, like a bride and groom on their wedding day.
- Autumn. Possessing What Was Longed For
A proper intimate life continues, and intimacy still brings the couple joy. They want to enjoy that joy as fully as possible, first because they have waited so long for it, and second because it is allotted a fixed period: its time is limited, until the next period of niddah.
- Winter. A Break in Intimate Relations
A break in physical intimacy, a temporary pause in relations, prevents routine and monotony from taking over. A growing sense of anticipation prepares the couple for the next stage of their relationship. Meanwhile, the opportunities for verbal and emotional communication now available to them strengthen and develop mutual understanding and respect—lofty feelings that are more enduring and universal than the joy of physical intimacy.
From the Wedding Day and for a Lifetime
The beginning of married life is always colored by a special excitement and joy. The bride and groom dream of a true partnership, deep unity, and emotional closeness that will last a lifetime. But the world is such that these lofty feelings and aspirations weaken over time, or even disappear altogether. Life loses its novelty, and the feelings have nothing to sustain them. Husband and wife begin to realize that the passionate love they felt for one another only yesterday, and had counted on for the future, is not something that comes easily or can be taken for granted. Why? Where does love go?
The same is true of physical intimacy, which is not merely bodily pleasure, but an essential part of married life that strengthens the bond between husband and wife. This too fades over time, no longer provides the same satisfaction, and even begins to bring disappointment.
Should we simply give up and yield to all-powerful routine? No. If we want to be happy, we must free ourselves from its web. We must continually strengthen and build love and a sense of connection to one another, even after many years of married life. Regarding the Torah episode in which angels, in the guise of three travelers, appear to our forefather Abraham, who had undergone circumcision a few days earlier, the Sages say that the angels praised Sarah, his wife, in Abraham's presence “to make her even more beloved in her husband's eyes”[2], meaning to strengthen his love for her. Yet these were people who were, one might say, not merely elderly but old. This teaches us that the feelings between husband and wife must continually develop and be renewed, however long they have lived together and however advanced their age[3].
How, then, can we avoid routine and monotony in married life?
The bond between husband and wife is nourished by “anticipation.” Before the wedding and immediately afterward, the couple are full of expectations and hopes for the new life they are building. But as time passes, life settles into established patterns, and the happiness of living side by side becomes familiar, the joy and excitement of being “together” gradually fade.
At first glance, this seems inevitable. But as we saw above, the Torah's laws governing intimate life make it possible to avoid dullness and overfamiliarity. The Sages explain the Torah's instructions concerning the intimate side of marriage as follows: be forbidden to one another during the period of niddah, so that after immersion you regain the mutual attraction you felt when you entered the chuppah[4]. Thus, we have a wonderful tool that brings back, every month, the lofty, joyful feelings and powerful emotions we experienced on our wedding day!
At the very beginning of the first book of the Pentateuch—Genesis—the Torah shows us how important a place anticipation holds in human experience. When creating the animals, the Almighty created them in pairs from the outset, a male and female of each species. Man, however, was created without a mate. The Torah says: “And the L-rd G-d formed from the ground every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the heavens, and to every beast of the field; but for the man no helper corresponding to him was found”[5]. Only when the man understood and felt how much he lacked a partner did “the L-rd G-d cause a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept. And He took one of his sides and closed up the flesh beneath it. And the L-rd G-d built the side that He had taken from the man (so that it would be) a woman, and brought her to the man”[6].
Why was man different from all the other creatures? Why was he not created as a “complete set,” in a state of wholeness, from the outset? One explanation is this: the Almighty knew that only after feeling the absence of a companion, experiencing a need for the wholeness that only a union with his wife could provide, and feeling drawn to her, would man be able to appreciate this gift properly[7].
Imagine for a moment that the world were arranged so that a human baby—a child—reached maturity and independence not twenty years after birth, but just a month afterward, so that raising and bringing up a child took almost no effort. Now consider: what bond would develop between the child and the parents under such circumstances? None at all. For the relationship we all know and cherish to develop between a child and their parents, long years of hard work raising, teaching, and caring for the child are needed. And there is no substitute or alternative to these many years of work and waiting. A deep bond between a child and their parents arises only through effort combined with anticipation of a result that turns out to be something new each time.
Similarly, a strong bond between husband and wife can be built only when there is an element of anticipation and renewal throughout their married life. It should be said that many couples who began observing the laws of family purity several years after getting married speak enthusiastically about the joyful changes and renewed vitality they have experienced in their relationship.
[1] Much has been written about this phenomenon, for it manifests itself in every area of our lives, from human relationships to professional life and business.
[2] Talmud, tractate Bava Metzia, 87a.
[3] Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe expressed this idea in one of his lectures. Rabbi S. Wolbe was born in Berlin. For a long time he served as the spiritual director of the Be'er Yaakov yeshiva, and later of a number of religious educational institutions in Jerusalem. He died in Jerusalem in 2005.
[4] Talmud, tractate Niddah, 31b. In our book, this explanation is also mentioned in chapters 4 and 14.
[5] Genesis, 2:19-20.
[6] Genesis, 2:21-23.
[7] See Rashi on Genesis, 2:20. Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki) is one of the greatest Torah commentators.