Honoring One's Father and Mother
66. Under Jewish law, a son may move to another city to attend a better institution for Torah study, even if his parents object and their fears are based on actual reports of conflicts with the local population. (In any case, if a person's life would be in real danger in a particular place, it is forbidden to go there.)
67. If a son has found a decent, modest young woman, but his parents ask him to call off this shidduch or postpone all efforts to find a spouse (when he is already well past 18), he is not obliged to obey them, since his actions involve a very important mitzvah. Likewise, parents cannot force their children to marry a particular person against their wishes.
A widow lived in a small town. Her son was no longer young, but his search for a spouse had been unsuccessful. Each time, young women turned down his proposal, all because one of his conditions was that his mother be allowed to live with the newlyweds (in the same apartment). At some point, the relatives could no longer bear it and approached the renowned Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach. Their request was simple: persuade the son to drop this condition and send his mother to a nursing home, so that he could finally find his intended bride. To their surprise, the rabbi declined to help the concerned relatives, explaining that a young woman's refusal did not reflect well on her character. Therefore, if the son wanted to care for his mother, they should not interfere. He also added that if his mother had to be moved to a nursing home because of the marriage, problems might soon arise in the relationship between the spouses.
Some time later, Rabbi Auerbach met one of the “unlucky” groom's relatives and asked how things were going. Hearing that he had found a young woman who had agreed to his condition and was already engaged, the rabbi was delighted and asked for the groom to be brought to him. When they met, Rabbi Shlomo Zalman told the groom that he should find a good, pleasant place for his mother, so as to avoid difficulties in married life. Initially, he had indeed been right to act as he had and insist that his bride agree to keep his mother in their home. But now that she had agreed, thereby demonstrating her wonderful spiritual qualities, he also needed to consider how very difficult it would be for her if his elderly mother lived with them.
68. The same approach applies to other mitzvot. For example, if parents object to their son praying in a particular synagogue, but he sees and feels that it is easier for him to pray there with concentration and feeling—for example, because the congregation is different and the place itself is special—he is not obliged to obey his parents, since this too concerns his spiritual development and fulfillment of mitzvot. The same applies to moving to the Land of Israel: this land is a holy place that elevates a person spiritually and leads them to the gates of holiness. Since circumstances vary, and parents, with their wisdom and greater life experience, often ask a child to change a decision for the child's own benefit and spiritual growth, it is always best to consult a wise rabbi who can not only identify all the halachic issues but also understand the subtleties of human relationships.