Honoring One’s Father and Mother
58. A son is forbidden to obey his parents if they ask him to violate a Torah commandment or a rabbinic enactment. Whether the commandment is a prohibition or a positive obligation makes no difference: in either case, the son must follow the requirements of the Torah or the Sages. The words “I am the Almighty…” appear immediately after the passage about how to treat one’s parents. From this we learn that, despite the special importance of the commandment to honor one’s parents, the laws of the Torah must not be violated at their request.
59. If a father asks his son not to speak to another Jew or not to forgive him, the son is permitted to make peace with that Jew and speak to him, since otherwise he would be violating the commandment “Do not harbor hatred for your brother in your heart.”
60. If a father asks his son to attend university, and the son does not wish to do so because he fears leaving an environment that helps him observe the commandments and gain an understanding of the wisdom of Torah, he is not obligated to attend university. If, however, the son is not engaged in full-time Torah study, and studying there would not affect his existing way of life, discussing training for a profession is entirely appropriate. The same applies when a father asks his son to perform a life-threatening act or do something unacceptable to a reasonable person.
61. If a son knows that his parents are distressed when he fasts, he must fast when they are not present—provided, of course, that this is an optional fast. The same applies to any action that can be postponed to another time.
Noam called his father to let him know in advance and ask for his help. His cousin’s bat mitzvah was to be celebrated in a few days. “I want to come to the bat mitzvah, Dad,” Noam said, “but the men and women will be together there. I could somehow manage the kashrut issues, but I am not allowed to sit together with women. I have already discussed everything with my rabbi and understand that I cannot violate the laws of the Torah.” His father was furious and said that if his son did not attend the celebration, he would do everything in his power to ensure that no one in the family attended his wedding, scheduled for two weeks later. Fortunately, Noam’s grandmother was a very wise woman. She spoke to everyone in the family and warned them about the brewing conflict. Thanks to her efforts, all the relatives attended Noam’s wedding.