Honoring Your Father and Mother
39. A son is obligated to honor his father and mother even after their death. Whenever he speaks about his father or mother or relates something in their name, he should say: “My father (my mother), my teacher, of blessed memory...”
If a year has not yet passed since their death, one adds: “…may I be an atonement for him.” But in writing, according to some opinions, this need not be included; it is enough simply to write “of blessed memory.”
There is also a stricter opinion, according to which a son, when signing at the end of a document (during the first year), must write: “… son of so-and-so, my father, my teacher. May I be an atonement for him.”
This law points to the special bond between children and parents after death, and to what happens to the soul of the deceased.
The first year is a time of Judgment for the soul, and this is also when it is purified. Since children are considered a continuation of their parents, there are special traditions and customs during this period. According to Jewish law, many of them last precisely eleven months rather than twelve, because by then the Judgment of ordinary people has already ended (for the wicked, it lasts 12 months).
40. After one's parents die, it is customary to recite Kaddish for them (a special prayer that requires a minyan). This is usually done by a son in the synagogue during services: every day during the first year, and afterward on the anniversary of the death, the yahrzeit. There is also a tradition of leading services (serving as shaliach tzibbur) for eleven months and being called up to read from the Book of the Prophets on Shabbat. The service at the conclusion of Shabbat is especially significant, since it is known that after Shabbat ends, souls return to Gehinnom. These rituals therefore have particular significance at this time. The behavior of the son (the children) at this moment can greatly affect where the soul of the deceased will be. Therefore, whenever possible, it is desirable for the son to lead this service.
The son is considered to have a greater influence if he leads the entire service; therefore, whenever possible, he should not limit himself to Kaddish alone.
41. Even if one's father is still alive, it is permissible to recite Kaddish for one's deceased mother.
42. On the anniversary of one's father's or mother's death, it is customary to fast, recite Kaddish, and be “called up” to the Torah (to read from the scroll). Wherever Jews have lived, the anniversary of a parent's death has been observed differently, but there are basic traditions accepted by the majority that reveal the meaning of this special day.
*** After a young avreich passed away, his son was told about Kaddish and its significance. The boy knew when to recite Kaddish, but he was very shy and did not know how to begin—after all, he was only five years old. His family learned of this and tried to persuade and coax him, but it did not help. When the gaon Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky (the Steipler) heard about it, he asked for the child to be brought to him.
When he met the boy, the rabbi said: “Your father is in the World of Truth, and nothing in the world can compare with it. He would not trade it for any riches. Indeed, all the riches of our world no longer have any value to him. The only thing that is especially precious to him and connects him with this world is you and your Kaddish. Ever since he left for that world, he has been waiting for your words. Your Kaddish will help him greatly and bring him true pleasure.”
Afterward, the Steipler told him the story of Rabbi Akiva and a Jew whose father was in Gehinnom (Rabbi Akiva suggested that he recite Kaddish to save his father from suffering). This meeting had a profound effect on the boy, and he began reciting Kaddish for his father.