Honoring Your Father and Mother
36. A son may ask his parents to bring him something or send them on an errand, but he should not take advantage of this. He should not ask his parents to do anything he can do himself or have someone else do. However, if he tells them about his needs or problems, there is no violation in this, especially since parents themselves are very often eager to be the first to hear about these things and are happy to fulfill their children's requests.
*** Shmuel studied until late at night, and his mother very often fell asleep in an armchair while waiting for her beloved son. As soon as the door opened, she would rush to the kitchen and serve her son the supper she had prepared in advance. Shmuel felt uneasy at the very thought that, after a hard day, his mother was waiting for him, cooking, and setting the table instead of going to bed. He took his question to his teacher. After hearing all the details, the teacher said there was no need to change anything, since his mother truly enjoyed the evening reunion and shared supper with her beloved son. Shmuel should gladly accept his mother's help and thank her warmly after supper, for in doing so he was honoring her.
37. It is permissible to wake one's father when it is time for prayer or to recite the Shema, but it is better to ask someone else to do so. To avoid conflict and violating the commandment, a son should agree on all the details and possible scenarios with his father beforehand. One must also remember that the obligation to pray at a specified time is a rabbinic enactment, whereas the obligation to honor one's parents is a commandment of the Torah itself.
38. The Sages disagree as to whether a son is obligated to fulfill a request from his parents when it does not involve their personal benefit or satisfaction. When parents ask their son, for example, to go on a diet or wear different clothes, and the son finds this unacceptable, it may be argued that the Torah obligates him to heed his parents even in this case, since it involves neither harm nor disgrace. But the matter can also be viewed from another angle. A person can be obligated only to do something that is natural for him and causes him no inconvenience, much less suffering. Thus, the son would violate no commandment if he did not follow the diet. This law involves many details, and even the slightest inaccuracy can lead to a violation, so before declining a request from one's parents, it is essential to consult an experienced and knowledgeable rabbi.
*** This happened many years ago. Rabbi Shlomo Bloch received a letter from a friend asking him to visit the famous Chafetz Chaim with a question that was troubling him: “I am only 26 years old, but because of my beard, people take me for at least forty. Recently, my father sent me a letter telling me to shave off my beard. Am I permitted to do this when the commandment to ‘honor your father and mother’ is at stake?” The Chafetz Chaim did not wish to answer this question and referred him to Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik. But before his acquaintance left, the rabbi said he could offer the young man some advice: write his father a letter saying, “Dear Father! I understand why you are asking me to shave off my beard. I have been looking for my soulmate for a long time, and you believe my appearance puts people off or at least confuses them. But I want to find a young woman who will have nothing against my beard, and if I trim it, I will not be able to find the one I am looking for…”
In any event, whatever parents may request, it is permissible to discuss the details or reasons with them. Even if the parents do not accept their son's arguments, no commandment has been violated.