Rules to Follow When Looking for a Spouse
(Everything stated below applies equally to both parties in a shidduch.)
2.
Since, in most cases, it is impossible to obtain all the necessary information simply by meeting with a young woman, it is recommended that you approach her acquaintances or relatives and ask them to tell you about her and her family. It is permissible to inquire about any information that may help the prospective groom make the right choice. Even when these people point out negative aspects, in many cases the prohibition against derogatory speech—lashon hara—is not violated: after all, the prospective groom wants to be objective in choosing a wife and building his life, and if information he needs is withheld from him, he may make an irreparable mistake.
Nevertheless, people who are asked about someone must be extremely careful not to add anything unnecessary or harm the young couple. Sometimes telling an unpleasant story can ruin a person's entire life.
3.
It is permissible to find out everything necessary about a young woman through a third party if this is more convenient, or if the prospective groom (or his parents) cannot do so themselves for some reason.
4.
When approaching people to learn everything necessary about someone else, the prospective groom (or his representative) must explain that the inquiry concerns a shidduch. This is precisely what allows the other party to speak more openly.
5.
If necessary, it is permissible to conceal your intentions, but in that case you must explain the importance and usefulness of the information you are seeking, making it clear that you are forbidden to reveal your true motives prematurely.
6.
If the other party can guess what prompted the conversation, and the people involved are religious and upright, none of these explanations is required.
7.
In certain situations, when people are unfamiliar with all the laws of lashon hara, the person being questioned must warn the prospective groom not to regard all the information he receives as established facts, but merely to take it into consideration.
8.
If you learn that the person you intend to ask for help is an enemy of the prospective groom or bride, you should refrain from speaking to that person. The same applies to someone who feels no hatred but is, in some sense, a rival or competitor. A quarrel, competition, or the desire to be better than others can cause someone to describe a situation and the person involved in it differently. Therefore, if, on the other hand, you are asked about someone with whom you are not on particularly good terms, it is better to suggest that the inquirer turn to someone else for information.