Rules to Follow When Looking for a Spouse
11.
Even if a person is upright and knows the laws of lashon hara, they must watch every word, as well as their facial expressions and gestures, when speaking about someone else. A person who is asked about someone else bears full responsibility for errors made during the conversation and for “subtle” mockery that may prevent the person making inquiries from assessing the situation objectively.
As stated above, a person has the right to inquire about any information that, in their opinion, may help them make the right choice. Therefore, when you are asked about someone else, you must be understanding, even if you consider the questions unnecessary, and, if possible, try to provide the information needed. In this way, a person fulfills the commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself,” that is, to do for another what they would want done for them if they were in a similar situation.
12.
One mistake young people make when looking for a shidduch is wanting to conform to public opinion. It has very often happened that a young man has turned down a good suggestion because he gave in to other people's stereotypes. Taking such “deviations” into account as well, the person responsible for the shidduch or those close to the future husband should help him understand himself before he makes a choice.
13.
If a young man sees no shortcomings in himself but is very demanding in choosing a spouse, the person responsible for the shidduch may sometimes deliberately focus his attention only on the young woman's good qualities and refrain from discussing her weaknesses and shortcomings in detail.
This is similar to a situation in which one party clearly overpraises his merchandise and asks too much for it. The other party then begins praising his own merchandise as well and proposes an exchange. But since the fate of many people depends on such conversations, the person responsible must carefully weigh all the “pros” and “cons” and consult experienced people before deciding to engage in such a “game.”
14.
When discussing shortcomings, you must consider how many people will have access to the information. If possible, you should discuss the other party's shortcomings directly with the person initiating the shidduch rather than with their representative. This can prevent many unnecessary suspicions and difficulties.