Rules to Follow When Looking for a Marriage Partner
49.
It is forbidden to speak about actions that indicate ignorance or brazenness if no Torah law was violated in the process.
*** Reuven agreed with a non-Jew to buy a house for 100 thousand rubles. Shimon learned of this and offered the non-Jew a larger sum. Without much thought, the latter decided to sell the house to Shimon. It would seem that Shimon acted dishonorably. However, there is an opinion in halachah that no Torah law was violated here.
However, in such a case, you must find out how the other party views such behavior.
50.
It is permitted to discuss other people's shortcomings only if there is a strong need and a benefit in doing so, as well as certainty that the information is accurate. If it is possible to avoid such a conversation, it is better to do so. You can try simply to persuade the person that the shidduch is unsuitable for them.
Furthermore, if people told you about a young man's shortcomings for a constructive purpose, you must check how familiar these people are with the laws of lashon hara and whether they observe those laws.
51.
If a decision has been made to reject a shidduch because of certain shortcomings, you should explain to others that the refusal is actually due to an apparent incompatibility of personalities or something else. But you may not disclose the true reasons. You must do everything possible to ensure that no one is harmed and that gossip does not spread.
If one party broke off the shidduch, the other party is permitted to say that it did not fall apart through their fault, but there is no need to go into every detail.
52.
It is permitted to discuss shortcomings with someone whose task is to bring two people together and help them properly assess each other or the situation as a whole. A wise person can point out shortcomings without arousing any negative feelings. They will also discuss strengths and explain that knowing about certain shortcomings in advance can prevent many conflicts in the family.
A person who arranges shidduchim must be upright and God-fearing. They must exercise the utmost care in what they say, because spreading any negative information about another person unnecessarily violates a strict prohibition. All the more care is needed when speaking with colleagues, to avoid going beyond what Jewish law permits.