Rules to Follow When Looking for a Spouse
15.
If one party is concealing an obvious shortcoming, there is no obligation to disclose the other party's shortcomings, especially if the shortcomings are similar (for example, the same illness, but with different complications). On the contrary, sometimes this can cause harm. This applies not only to illness or physical impairment, but also to outlook: for example, when a young man devours detective stories and romance novels in his time away from his studies, while the young woman is not meticulous in matters of modesty. In any event, in such a situation, you should seek advice from wise, experienced rabbis, since the shortcomings involved are very often of differing severity.
16.
If you know that learning of a certain shortcoming would make a young man turn down a shidduch, you should not give him all the details; it is enough simply to warn him that this shidduch is not suitable for him. But if the young man insists, you may explain what the shortcoming is, again without going into detail.
17.
When you are asked about another person and are unsure whether the information you have is reliable, you should say that you know nothing; otherwise, your doubts and hesitation will give rise to doubts and suspicions in the other party. You may, however, warn them that certain things need to be checked, and you may even hint at what they are (of course, without offering your own assessment).
18.
A shortcoming that may seem insignificant after the two get to know each other may sometimes be left undisclosed during initial discussions of a shidduch. There are also situations in which the sages recommend not mentioning a shortcoming even after several meetings. This depends on the extent to which the shortcoming is an insurmountable obstacle for one of the parties. In such cases, it is advisable to consult a competent rabbi.
19.
If you suspect that you or another person will be harmed after you disclose certain shortcomings to an interested party, you are not obligated to share this information (even though doing so is a mitzvah).
But if your silence would cause even greater harm to one of the parties (the person making inquiries), you must consult an experienced rabbi. Everything depends on the extent of the harm. In a situation in which one party would suffer minor harm if the information were disclosed, while the other would be placed in jeopardy, in some cases, if possible, it is recommended that you set aside your own interests and help the other person—that is, disclose everything necessary.
20.
If you feel hatred or dislike toward the person you are being asked about, speaking about their shortcomings may cause you to violate one of the Torah's prohibitions: you will involuntarily put into your words everything hidden in your heart (malice and hatred). Nevertheless, the sages permit you to disclose what is necessary if you have rid yourself, at least temporarily, of certain thoughts about this person.
This raises a question: what should one do in such a case, since by no means everyone is capable of freeing themselves entirely of hatred, even for a short time?
The sages answer this question as follows: “The Torah was not given to angels, which means that one cannot demand too much of a person (as one would of an angel).” Even if a trace of hatred remains in one's heart, when necessary it is permissible to disclose shortcomings if this information can help other people build a family.