Rules to Follow When Looking for a Marriage Partner
34.
It is permitted to disclose shortcomings that others already know about. But the Torah does not obligate you to speak, since anyone who wishes can find this out for themselves—unless, of course, you are the only source.
35.
To avoid unpleasant situations, you must find out how the shidduch is progressing, what stage the young people have reached and what the interested party already knows. Sometimes you need to bring up a topic that, through discussion, will help you discover how people view a particular shortcoming and whether you need to disclose more to them.
36.
If you see that a person enjoys hearing about the prospective groom's (or bride's) good qualities, even discussing things they already know also helps the shidduch progress. (At the same time, you may not turn a blind eye to excessive trustfulness and naivety. If you see that the person does not understand the full complexity of the situation and still continue to speak only about good qualities, this is simply irresponsible.)
What Everyone Can See
37.
There is no need to mention minor shortcomings that are obvious to the naked eye—for example, that a person is overweight, has poor eyesight or has a scar on their face—during the initial discussion of a shidduch. The interested party will not feel wronged when they notice that you did not mention something anyone could see. But if you know exactly what the young man (woman) is looking for, you should mention these things as well, so that both can avoid wasting time, unnecessary trouble and unpleasant feelings.
38.
There is no obligation to disclose shortcomings that the young people themselves tell outsiders about.
39.
If you think the young people are very shy and, through lack of experience, may overlook certain visible shortcomings, it makes sense to alert them to this.
40.
If the parents have arranged the shidduch themselves and are concealing certain serious matters from their inexperienced children, you must help the young people by telling them which shortcomings to pay attention to.
41.
A rabbi or another person who is relied upon must disclose even minor shortcomings without waiting to be asked about them.
If a relative or close friend of yours asks for information about a shidduch, you must tell them even about minor shortcomings.
42.
If a shadchan suggests a shidduch to a friend, they must disclose every detail that, in their view, could change the young man's decision about the shidduch.
43.
It is well known that many young couples have built wonderful families even though many people considered their shidduch doomed. Therefore, you should not rush to disclose various shortcomings without consulting experienced people.