Jewish Sages on Family Life
Our Sages taught[1]: “Of one who loves his wife as himself and honors her more than himself, Scripture says: ‘And you shall know peace (well-being) in your tent’”[2].
Everything—living and inanimate—needs “nourishment” that gives it energy, vitality. Even the most sophisticated and expensive car will not run without gasoline. And what serves as “fuel” for a person? Kind words and respectful treatment.
The Mishnah states: “Yehoshua ben Perachya used to say: ‘Find yourself a teacher, acquire a friend, and judge every person favorably’”[3]. A person can choose which teacher and rabbi's guidance to follow. But choosing alone is not enough to acquire a friend. Certain actions are needed. He must show the person he wants to befriend that he values his qualities and respects his actions. Even if there is something we dislike about another person, we must “judge him favorably,” meaning that we should first look for a positive explanation for his actions and sometimes also talk to him about the problem that has arisen.
A person tends to see mostly the good qualities in someone he loves. A loved one's shortcomings fade into the background and may even go unnoticed. On the other hand, in someone we hate, we see mostly faults and even look for them.
As the wisest of men, King Shlomo, said: “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins”[4]. And a wise man once said: “When the love between my wife and me was strong, we could fit side by side on the point of a sword. Now that our love has weakened, even the widest bed is not enough for us…”[5].
A married couple with serious problems once came to a rabbi. The husband complained to the rabbi about his wife, who had changed greatly since their wedding. “When I met her, she was active and full of life. Now she is a completely different woman,” he said. “She has no strength for anything, either physically or emotionally.” The rabbi advised him: “Every day you must give your wife sincere compliments. Be generous with your praise. You must give your life partner ‘fuel,’ and then you will see who your wife really is.” Two months later, the husband returned to the rabbi and, with great enthusiasm and amazement, told him that his wife had become a woman brimming with vitality!
[1] Talmud, tractate Yevamot, 62b; tractate Sanhedrin, 76b.
[2] Job, 5:24.
[3] Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), 1:6.
[4] King Shlomo (Solomon), Mishlei (Proverbs), 10:12.
[5] Tractate Sanhedrin, 7a.