Greeting
10. One must not use the word “shalom” to greet people who are in mourning. In some communities, this rule applies even on Shabbat, when mourning customs are not observed in public.
People also do not greet one another with the word “shalom” on Tisha B'Av, since it is a day of mourning for the entire Jewish people. However, it is permissible to respond to a greeting from someone who is unfamiliar with this law.
11. It is not customary for a man to greet a woman with the word “shalom.” However, some authorities on Torah law in our generation permit it. They explain that nowadays, for many people, the word “shalom” has become a matter of etiquette and does not express any particular closeness, even when addressing a woman. For the same reason, it is also permissible to ask a husband about his wife's health.
12. If a person meets a close friend after thirty days apart, they recite the blessing Shehecheyanu – (“…Who has enabled us to reach this time”). If they have not seen each other for a full year, the blessing Mechayeh Hametim (“…Who revives the dead”) is recited. But all of this is permitted only if the person is happy about the reunion. There is an opinion that nowadays, if people have spoken by telephone or corresponded, these blessings are not recited when they meet.
****
Everyone who knew Rav Simcha was always filled with joy whenever someone nearby mentioned his name. Rav Simcha Gutnis was always smiling and radiated love. He never hurt anyone, and no one managed to stir bad thoughts or envy in him. It was said of Rav Gutnis that he had a special gift for showing love to everyone he met.
His ten-year-old grandson Nachum was a very withdrawn and shy child, and Rav Simcha took such special care of him that the boy, too, began to return his love and help others. One day, while visiting, Nachum said to his eighty-year-old grandfather, “Oh, if only I had a personality like yours! My whole life would be different…”
His grandfather looked up from his book, gazed at his grandson with kind eyes, and said, pointing to the couch: “Sit down; we need to talk.”
Young Nachum assumed that his grandfather would now once again talk about the need to greet everyone.
He very often told his grandchildren, “When a person sees that others take an interest in him and smile at him, he feels welcome and senses that connecting with him has special significance. This is how people's hearts grow closer.
The mitzvot that govern relationships between people are the key to all the other mitzvot, and greeting others is the first step toward building good relationships between people. A greeting is the most important key.
Very often, people retreat into their own enclosed world and feel lonely, which leads to all sorts of troubling thoughts and suspicions. But all those clouds disperse very quickly during a pleasant encounter. Just imagine: a simple greeting and a smile can free people from hatred, conflict, and deceit! Besides, in such a situation it is much easier to explain to someone where they have gone wrong, because they are willing to listen to you. Pleasant, brief encounters can also free people from needless gossip, since goodwill helps a person be more restrained.”
But suddenly Nachum noticed that his grandfather's expression was somewhat different from usual. Rav Simcha began speaking about himself in the third person, as though revealing a secret.
“Simcha Gutnis was a very withdrawn child. His loneliness and insecurity were the cause of his sadness and distrust of others. He had no friends with whom he could share his thoughts and feelings. Although he himself made no effort to build relationships with others and was slow to greet them with a smile, it upset him terribly when an acquaintance walking past failed to greet him.”
Nachum froze in surprise and curiosity: “What? Is there another Simcha Gutnis besides Grandpa? This boy is so much like me!”
It was clear that the story still moved his grandfather: his voice occasionally trembled, and his eyes filled with tears. He continued: “When Simcha turned thirteen, his parents arranged a large feast and invited all their relatives and family friends. One of the guests at the bar mitzvah was the town's chief rabbi. He was a very wise and experienced man. He sat down beside the boy and began to tell him about this extraordinary day and the mitzvot of the Torah. Then he paused, looked at Simcha, and said, ‘You need to choose one mitzvah to which you will devote special attention all your life.’ A thousand ideas immediately came to Simcha. There were many possibilities, but which should he choose?
‘I have a suggestion,’ said the wise rabbi. ‘Let it be the mitzvah of greeting others. Whenever you meet anyone, always be open and smile.’
Simcha was too shy to turn down the respected rabbi. He accepted the suggestion, and from then on his life began to change. Of course, at first this mitzvah required considerable effort, but after a while, when he saw that there was nothing frightening about it, Simcha felt greatly relieved. Gradually, his social circle changed as well. He made friends, many of whom treated him with deep respect and interest.”
After a pause, Rav Simcha emerged from his memories and said to Nachum:
“Just imagine the situation that could arise. Suppose you have a casual acquaintance whom you don't usually greet, and when you need money, he turns out to be the only person nearby. You borrow the amount you need from him and feel awkward. Then you're walking down the street, and he is coming toward you. You want to be the first to greet him, but then you remember the prohibition of ribbit[1]. You never used to greet him first, and now suddenly your ‘debt’ is doing the talking. You'll return the money, but anything added to it, including special friendliness, will look like ribbit.
Let me tell you another story. It happened in Uruguay, where a group of shochtim (ritual slaughterers) were engaged in the kosher slaughter of cattle. At the end of the day, one of them decided to check something in the cold storage room and stayed there for a while. When he tried to leave, he discovered to his horror that the door was closed. By then, everyone had already left, and only the guard remained in the huge warehouse. Shouting and trying to pound on the door were no help. It seemed the shochet was doomed. But the guard, whom this shochet—alone among them all—greeted and said goodbye to with a smile every day, remembered his face and his kindness. After everyone had left the warehouse, the guard felt that something was missing. Ah! No one had said ‘Shalom!’ to him that evening. (In this case, it meant goodbye.) He immediately remembered the decent shochet and called the leader of the group. The leader checked and confirmed that the shochet had indeed not returned with the others. Several people went back to the warehouse and began searching for him, until they found him in the cold storage room, terribly chilled but safe and sound.
This Jew was following the example of the great Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai, who always greeted everyone he met.
Yet everyone knew that Rabbi Yochanan was so absorbed in Torah study that even when traveling, he never took even four steps without speaking words of Torah. What do you think we learn from this story, my boy?”
“That the reward for the mitzvah of greeting others is very great—it can even save a person's life!” Nachum answered at once.
“No!” his grandfather said with a smile. “We learn how desperately people need these few words that seem so insignificant! This guard waited for a kind word every day, both morning and evening. Do you see this book? It's called ‘Avot de-Rabbi Natan’[2]. Here, in chapter thirteen, it says that even if a person gives another person all the good things in the world, but looks down at the ground while doing so and speaks without human warmth, the entire gift is worth nothing. Conversely, when someone is greeted with a smile and warmth, they feel as though they have been given all the treasures in the world!”
That evening, Nachum returned home and opened the door, but instead of immediately slipping into his room as usual, he summoned his courage, turned to those present, and said the cherished word in a clear, ringing voice: “Shalom!”