The prohibition against causing hurt and suffering (ona'at devarim)
10. It is forbidden to remind someone of an illness or physical impairment they have. The same applies to someone experiencing distressing events (for example, loved ones becoming ill or dying). In such cases, one must not say, “If you were worthy… if you had no sin, this would not have happened.” Such remarks are permitted only when necessary to help someone repent, and even then, one must be exceedingly careful not to hurt that person or cause them suffering.
****After his wedding, one of Rabbi Yechezkel Abramsky's students moved to another city, far from his teacher. For many years, he was unable to see him. But eventually, he set out on the journey. When they met, his teacher asked how he was doing and how his wife and children were. The student lowered his head: he still had no children.
When Rabbi Yechezkel realized the mistake he had made, he turned pale and was momentarily speechless.
Regaining his composure, the rabbi said, “I promise you that from this day on, I will pray for you three times a day, asking the Almighty to grant you children. And please forgive me for causing you pain.”
****Once, Rabbi Yochanan [1] looked at Rav Kahana and thought he was mocking him. He felt deeply hurt, and as soon as his thoughts turned into feelings, tragedy struck: Rav Kahana died.
In fact, Rav Kahana was not mocking him at all: it was simply a peculiarity of his facial expression.
This story shows that hurt caused by a mistaken impression can also have harmful consequences. We should therefore try to avoid ambiguous forms of expression that can carry two opposite meanings when communicating with others.
****Rav Chisda fasted for forty days because Rav Huna had been hurt by him. At the same time, Rav Huna himself fasted for forty days because he had harbored a suspicion about Rav Chisda.
17. Even if someone does not intend to hurt another person, one must still follow rules that help avoid conflict and unpleasantness, even when these arise unintentionally. Accordingly, one must take care, for example, not to wake someone who is sleeping, cut ahead of people waiting in line, smoke near other people, or do things that others find unpleasant (for example, spit, pick one's nose, and so on). All of these can cause negative feelings.
18. When a sick person is being carried out of their home to be taken to the hospital, one should not stand nearby and stare. This can be very distressing to the sick person or their relatives.
19. If someone spits at another person and the spit lands on them, the offender is punished with a monetary fine. If it lands only on the person's clothing, or if the offender merely insults someone verbally, the offender is not required to pay compensation for emotional distress. Nevertheless, a beit din may enact special ordinances and take measures to create an additional fence around the law and restore order. According to some opinions, the offender may be excluded from the community until they apologize, or punished with lashes.
[1] Rabbi Yochanan, the leader of his generation in the Land of Israel in the 3rd century, compiled the Jerusalem Talmud. The stories that follow mention other sages of the Talmud.