Jewish Sages on Married Life
It is no secret that the problems facing marriage are becoming increasingly acute throughout the world: family bonds are weakening, and love and warmth between spouses are becoming ever rarer. What is the reason? Could it be that people are unable to satisfy their ever-growing passions and feelings? Yet today, in the "free world," people are neither ashamed of nor conceal any of their inclinations, and openly satisfy all their desires. Nevertheless, true, lasting love remains elusive. Why?
Our Sages said[1]: «Any love that depends on something is [transient]: when that thing (condition) disappears, the love disappears too. But love that depends on nothing (unconditional love) never fades. What example of "conditional" love [is known]? It is the love of Amnon and Tamar[2]. And of "unconditional" love? It is the love of David and Jonathan[3]». These words reveal the central secret of love. A husband and wife who want—and who does not?—lasting love and peace in their home must love each other unconditionally. Sexual attraction is often the main reason for love, even though we may not realize it. It is hardly surprising that such "dependent," "conditional" love gradually fades and eventually disappears altogether.
The Almighty, the Creator of humanity, "knows" human psychology and physiology, for He created both our bodies and our souls. Knowing this, He also knows how to help us learn to love each other with true love. “Rabbi Meir says: ‘Why did the Torah set the duration of [the state of] niddah at seven days? Because [a husband] grows accustomed to her (his wife), and she becomes tiresome to him. The Torah said: Let her be ritually impure for seven days, so that [afterward] she will be as desirable to her husband as at the moment she entered the chuppah.’”[4]. A period of abstaining from physical intimacy is followed by a period in which it resumes, and this truly renews their feelings, helping them avoid monotony and routine in their relationship and, consequently, the fading of love. Moreover, the period of niddah, when all physical intimacy is forbidden to the couple, serves as a kind of school of true love. It is precisely during this time that spouses establish and strengthen a bond on a higher plane than physical intimacy, through spiritual and emotional communication and shared experiences, building a love that "depends on nothing." And this is the only way to make love lasting.
The natural, instinctive love of parents for their children and the love between brothers and sisters do not, of course, require physical intimacy. This love is strong and deep in its own right. Similarly, true love between spouses does not require uninterrupted intimate relations, although physical intimacy is certainly important in building a complete bond between husband and wife, as a foundation for their relationship and spiritual closeness. Physical intimacy without breaks or limits, however, can be harmful, while stepping out of the routine of a physical relationship can help foster emotional closeness.
Of course, the explanation above is not the only reason for the laws of niddah, which, as we have said more than once, belong to the category of "chukkim," meaning laws whose meaning we cannot fully comprehend. But it is one of the meanings our Sages have revealed to us.
It follows very clearly from the above that the laws requiring separation during niddah are intended not to divide or estrange spouses, but, on the contrary, to bring freshness and renewal to their feelings, allowing them to return each month to the joyful experiences of their wedding day. This is precisely what can make their home an everlasting edifice.
The love and attraction spouses feel for each other are so important in the eyes of the Almighty that He Himself attended to the details of the meeting between the world’s first married couple. The Babylonian Talmud[5] says that before bringing Eve to Adam, the Almighty styled her hair "with His own hands"!
[1] Pirkei Avot, 5:19.
[2] Tanakh, II Samuel, 13. Amnon loved Tamar for her beauty. After obtaining intimacy with her, he hated her.
[3] I Samuel, 18. David and Jonathan were loyal and devoted to each other, even though both were contenders for the royal throne.
[4] Tractate Niddah, 31b.
[5] Tractate Berakhot, 61a and elsewhere.